Monday, April 13, 2015

My birthday wish

It’s really funny and interestingly weird that two years ago on my birthday I had this one and only wish; I wished Dreambox accepts me as a full-time employee, and now after two years, on the same day I am seeking a way out.

Again I am facing the same fears, same doubts and same efforts to prove myself I am enough. That I am perfect. 

Isn't it interesting? The effort we put to find the thing we think we love and then hopelessly we search for a shortcut to finish it? To get away from it as much as possible?!
I read a paragraph by Lillian Schneider which says: 

“Single people want relationships, settled people wonder if they’re missing out on something, traveling types miss stability, stable ones are restless, old friends want new friends, new friends miss old friends, and basically almost everyone my age has some dangling worry trailing around after them everywhere that they’re somehow not doing everything, that what they’re doing is not altogether the right thing, that they are missing out. … Do not be ashamed. The doubt is natural, and everyone you know – yes, even that person – carries it sometimes too. Allow yourself to be peaceful. Allow yourself satisfaction in what you have. If you really don’t like it, allow yourself permission to make changes.”

I think It's so true it worths reading couple of times over and over. 
On one hand it makes you hopeful that everyone else in this world are struggling, just like you, just like me! On the other hand it can make you dangerously hopeless: Why trying then? Why to put myself in so much pain and doubt. It seems nobody gets it at last. 
-it?-yeah, I mean happiness. I mean being content and reaching to the concept of being "enough". 
Maybe. But if you just give up, it does not feel right. You have to fight. You have to be wild at heart. 
The destination is all about the journey itself. About all the pain that moves through your veins and nerves and makes you cry loud. It's all about the love towards yourself, which you want the best for yourself. You are not happy with the sadness. You need to go higher, because you fucking deserve it. 

I've never ever said out loud my wish for my birthday, but this year I will. 

I wish I find a way that I know it's right. I wish for the best of me. I wish to find a job that I love it with all of my heart.... 

And I wish I find the thing that I realize I WAS BORN TO DO. And till I find it I will never give up. 

Love you all. 

Friday, February 6, 2015

Times of improbabilities;

Living in a faraway country (or city) can be a very strange thing.

The time that you are at work and you hear that a thief has come to your summer house in your country. Sure you are far away. Among work emails, different languages you imagine your mom’s face, you review the dialogues between your parents and their friends…. Then you find a free time to call them. Their quick explanation of the situation makes you feel much more left-out.

These are the days of being far from your home town.

Yet you have not completely caught up with the news, your good friend’s dad passes away.

And it all leaves you in shock and disbelief.

That’s when you start to feel insecure and frightened.

It’s time to breathe Elina, breathe deep. 


Thursday, January 22, 2015

Second Wedding is missed;

Today is one of my best friend’s wedding, and I am not there.

I am here, sitting behind the monitor, searching some photos for our next presentation and checking out the budgets for another project.

I am full of emotions right now. Anger, love, passion, home-sickness, hopelessness beside hopefulness as I think about life itself. 

She sent me a voice message in the morning telling me how much I have been missed in all these days, and when I tried to answer her message but I just burst into tears. Three times! Each time I closed my phone, walked a bit and again when I started to talk I could not help it and I cried.

Wish you all the bests Hediye, and sorry that I am not there with you. 

Love you.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Sun oh Dear Sun;

Hey hi,

Yeah. Two weeks of January has passed like a click on a camera shutter. And I just wonder.

Weather is still gloomy here in Istanbul, and sure will be for another three months at least. Sometimes I think I may get my tattoo in a shape of a sun, because it’s sun that keeps me warm and alive.
I didn’t have the chance to win a free yoga retreat with isurflife, but I can not even tell you how much I am happy getting to know people like Rick even though it is just through internet and unfortunately he has turned off his social media, and from time to time I think what will I do if I were him?

My very good friend just got married to his boyfriend and I probably can not attend their wedding. This is the second wedding from my friends that I miss, and beside my exhibition 2 years ago I really regret not being there.

I got my visa for two years. This part is done. B has started his own office with two of his friends. I wish them the bests. As he started working I am having hard time handling Maya. Most of the days she has to stay home alone and she gets so bored she does not sleep at night, so me or B have to stay up and play with her. I was never into having child of my own, I always dreamed of adopting three or four child, and I had never thought about being a mom. Don’t panic! I am still the same, but I am getting closer to that sense. I am getting familiar to the sense of responsibility towards someone who needs you. I might be getting closer to adopting. hahah. But still I know that I don’t want to have a child of my own.
As Maya does not sleep properly, I have found a chance to be awake while the sun rises. And God knows when was the last time that I see it coming up. I would be lying if I say I have forgot about my goals on my previous post. Till now I have been yoga and to tell you the truth I can see super mega changes in my body. And I am keeping my promise to my secret mantras. I am glad I put that amount of time for making them.
I think this year is the year to take care of myself and my goals.

I am also seeing these weird dreams lately that keep me thinking.

I will not go to Tehran for Norooz, and it will be a whole year that I have not seen my family, strange, nah?
It is. It really is. I thought I would be tangled not seeing them everyday but I managed it.

Today although I am having a hard day I have a smile in my heart.

Love you all.


Monday, January 5, 2015

Breathe, believe and receive!

Hi everyone,

Have you ever think about “Mantra”s?

I mean when was the first time you heard about them? Did you use them? Do they make you feel comfortable or you feel stupid while repeating your mantras?!

For me, the first time in my life I heard about mantras in this book. My boyfriend had broken up with me and I was very young and in love. I thought I could die with this broken heart, I needed some comfort, even talking to my friends was not helping, I needed more than that.

In the search for a real love, I started my mantras at the edge of 20. I used to write all the time, I used to repeat these mantras all the time, whenever I was sad I used to repeat that I am happy and grateful, and to tell you the truth I can never, ever disregard the effects and impacts of them on my life.
Now today let’s just take a moment, sit somewhere comfortable, drink something warm and delicious, grab a pen and your journal. Just start to write.

Me writing, relaxing and being grateful in weekend!

Write about the reasons you are proud of yourself. The changes that you wish to see in yourself. Make them simple, lovely phrases and repeat them in your meditation. Try to imagine it. Try to be it in your mind. Feel each aspect of it. And enjoy being it.

Healing Mantra by CarlyMarie
There’s nothing better in life than being grateful and hopeful for things yet to come!

Love you all.xoxo

Friday, January 2, 2015

What I hope to happen in 2015!

It’s the second day of 2015.
I am really happy I wrote about my 2014; it seemed like an extra load on my shoulders that I put down. It seemed like having a general overview of what had happened this year. I was able to see the dark parts much better, were they really dark? Or have I  just assumed that it’s the hard parts!?

Anyway, I started my new year at home, beside B and my dear dear dear Maya! Watching TV, talking, relaxing and I did yoga after 2 weeks. For one complete hour. It was a bless.

I had started to write my 2015 resolutions from couple of days ago & today I finished it. Here I will share it, and by each time that one is done, I will cross them from my list.

Wish you all the bests, and love in the world!

Breathe* :)

☮ Start my website
☮ Start my shop in Etsy, little illustrations :)
☮ Try not to think and talk about worthless matters.
☮ Being more strong physically
☮ Buy a blender and start drinking more juice and smoothies.
☮ Wash Maya’s teeth three times a week (Saturday/Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday)
☮ Do yoga each night at least 30 minutes and mindfulness meditation 10 minutes.
☮ Focusing on core strength and balance in asanas.
☮ Run each day 20 minutes
☮ Join the Haliç Marathon
☮ Start swimming from June.
☮ Learn to surf
☮ Visit at least two places (in or out of Turkey)
☮ Be more calm and tranquil
☮ Be more self-confident
☮ Try to wake up with the sun-rise each day.
☮ Improve my English / Get IELTS
☮ Apply for university
☮ Get my tattoo :D (it’s been in my list for two fucking years now. Haha)
☮ Keep going with my 52 week challenge of Jar!
☮ Spend more time loving people that liking their photos on social media.
☮ Read more books. ☮ Buy glasses ☮ Buy a perfect yoga mat
☮ Make my house more homey and more smart in the usage terms.
☮ Visit Cappadocia.
☮ Buy more plants.
☮ Learn more about the moon.
☮ Do some charity work.

*I learned from a friend to write “Breathe” at the end of emails. When you see it, for one second close your eyes, take a deep breath and be grateful for your being.

Monday, December 29, 2014

What happened in 2014?


It’s getting close to the end of this year! Although I still assume Norooz as my new year, but this is another chance to write about my goals!

Photo from Free People Blog / Horoscope 

This year also I want to list the things that happened to me in 2014. You can also grab a paper and write with me. I wrote some questions, and I thought by answering them I can get a better perspective of how my year passed. And in this way I can really learn from my year.
I will post it after it's finished but I may add something after sometimes as I remember stuff more clearly. 

Questions I am eager to answer

What made me HAPPY in this year?
What made me SAD in this year?
When was I inspired?
When was I hopeless?
What made me cry?
Where did I visit?
What new experience I had?
Any new goals that I set this year for myself? Are they still there? If not, what changed them?
Good moments & bad moments (which you can find in the first couple of sentences)
Could I achieve my 2014 goals?
ॐ Music of the year . 

Here is my answers: (this post will be a hell of a long post!) 

Moments I was HAPPY in 2014 :

When we were on a trip to Kaş.
When we got Maya and every second that she made my life brighter and happier.
When I learned that Babak does not need to go to Beirut. (Never told him though)
When I dyed my hair pink.
When I cut my hair short.
When I started yoga.
When I went to Iran and saw all these friends who love me and miss me!
When I was able to stand in a crow pose for 4 sec!
When my dad sent me our family picture.
When we went dancing with our friends.
When I found my passion for yoga.
When I read the recommendation letter that Samila joon wrote for me.
When we made that stupid rap song with Cat on the rooftop. 
Most of the mornings, weekends or nights that I went out with Babak.
When I found out that Rick Cowley has emailed me.
And couple of not clear moments from the work. 

Moments I was ANGRY or SAD in 2014:

When my mom left after I was sick.
When we sent Sani to her owners to America.
When I realized that Mohammadreza is dead.
The days that I was really hopeless with my working life in DB, which was a LOT.
Each time I checked my bank account and figured out that I cannot support myself on my own.
Moments that somehow I found myself really lonely.
Moments that I missed my friends and needed someone to talk to heart to heart.
Moments I felt useless at work.
All the times that I wanted to leave the office but I had to stay late.
All the times when I missed my yoga class because of my work.
When the weather was rainy, cold and cloudy.
Times that I had fight with Babak.
All the times that I felt as a failure because I have given up art.
Times that I felt not enough.
All the times that I had to search news photos for our presentation at work. And I was sure that war is so close.
All the times that I felt very far from Babak. 
When I was damn tired and could not think or act properly. 

Moments I was INSPIRED in 2014:

Each time I checked yoga_girl social media.
Each time I read these inspirational articles online.
The day that I decided that I will try surfing and I have to prepare my body for it.
The day that Babak told me that my Turkish was good and he had not realized it.
Couple of nights that I went running.
After yoga.
When I found out about Rick Cowley Fyckit list.
When I noticed that even my friends are inspired by my passion towards yoga.
When Babak suggested me to go to Izmir and quit my work here in Istanbul.
When I chose my tattoo (have not done it yet though!) 
While doing "ab challenge" or yoga girl 21 days of challenge. 

Moments I was HOPELESS in 2014:

All the time that I was sure that I am not doing the thing I like.
All the time that I was sure that I don’t know what I like.

Things that made me cry in 2014: 

When Sani left.
When Kobani happened.
Whenever I read something about people having hard time, like war, poverty, etc.
When my mom left.
When I thought about our old house in Tehran.
When I missed my family.
When I thought about the little moments of being in Tehran.
When having fight with Babak, he said something really mean.
When I found out that Alireza's dad is sick.
When I was writing an email to Atlas because of her mom's death. 

Places I see in 2014: 

I went to west and south west of Turkey. Alaçatı, Kaş, İzmir, Selçuk. 

New experiences that I had in 2014: 

Being responsible for a puppy.
Going to yoga.
Starting to think about surfing as I am not a sportive person at all.
Handling a full-time job.
Handling life as an independent person. (It was a lot to take some days)
Flying with fly-sea-bird airplanes.
Getting stuck in an elevator.

Goals that I had in 2014: 

I wanted to apply for MA degree in America, I did not. I might be afraid. I am not sure about it.
I wanted to continue yoga and I did, because I love the life style that yoga brought to my life.
I wanted to go for a run each day. I did not continue it because the weather got freaking cold and rainy.
But I had made this list by the beginning of 2014 and I did 70% of it and I am grateful for that.

Music that was with me through 2014: 

-Follow the sun by Xavier Rudd
-Black as the night by Nahko Bear

What about you?
Do you have any more questions? Write me in the comment box so I add it here and answer it from my behalf.

Love Love Love

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