It’s really funny and interestingly weird that two years ago on my birthday I had this one and only wish; I wished Dreambox accepts me as a full-time employee, and now after two years, on the same day I am seeking a way out.
Again I am facing the same fears, same doubts and same efforts to prove myself I am enough. That I am perfect.
Isn't it interesting? The effort we put to find the thing we think we love and then hopelessly we search for a shortcut to finish it? To get away from it as much as possible?!
I read a paragraph by Lillian Schneider which says:
“Single people want relationships, settled people wonder if they’re missing out on something, traveling types miss stability, stable ones are restless, old friends want new friends, new friends miss old friends, and basically almost everyone my age has some dangling worry trailing around after them everywhere that they’re somehow not doing everything, that what they’re doing is not altogether the right thing, that they are missing out. … Do not be ashamed. The doubt is natural, and everyone you know – yes, even that person – carries it sometimes too. Allow yourself to be peaceful. Allow yourself satisfaction in what you have. If you really don’t like it, allow yourself permission to make changes.”
I think It's so true it worths reading couple of times over and over.
On one hand it makes you hopeful that everyone else in this world are struggling, just like you, just like me! On the other hand it can make you dangerously hopeless: Why trying then? Why to put myself in so much pain and doubt. It seems nobody gets it at last.
-it?-yeah, I mean happiness. I mean being content and reaching to the concept of being "enough".
Maybe. But if you just give up, it does not feel right. You have to fight. You have to be wild at heart.
The destination is all about the journey itself. About all the pain that moves through your veins and nerves and makes you cry loud. It's all about the love towards yourself, which you want the best for yourself. You are not happy with the sadness. You need to go higher, because you fucking deserve it.
I've never ever said out loud my wish for my birthday, but this year I will.
I wish I find a way that I know it's right. I wish for the best of me. I wish to find a job that I love it with all of my heart....
And I wish I find the thing that I realize I WAS BORN TO DO. And till I find it I will never give up.
Love you all.