Dear October; stay sunny. Please!

 Hey dear October, 

In two days you will be back in my life for the 35th time. 34 times I have seen you, I have been with you and just recently I'm getting comfortable with you. You can be hug-y, cause you are a bit cold. I enjoy hugging more when you are around. 

Sun is beautiful. Lights on the walls are gorgeous. I'm more emotional of course. How can I not be.

A little short getaway always is always welcomed. We had a mini trip to Southampton to see Kings of Convenience. 

And I just loved it. 

Breathe in peace,
Elina

Dear September; My house

 Dear September, 

You came to my life with so many things. With beach, with sun, with laughter and cry. You came to my life with inspiration, love and also you brought sickness. You gave me time to recover. You reminded me of mountains and the sun. You reminded me of the butterfly in my stomach when he holds my hand. You also dragged me to me fears. I had to face them all over again because of you. If there were no September this year, I didn't need to see the darkness. I didn't need to feel helpless. But you gave them all to me. You forced me to take it. And I have to say, you know how to wrap that ball of darkness into beautiful wrapping paper with colourful glitters. Yeaah. Your existence always was a bit twisted in my life. 

And still is not over. We seem so lost in your time dear September. 

Dear November; my body hurts

 Dear November, 

I have no words today. Just want to share this photo. 

The Shed

Elina

Dear November; welcome

 Dear November, 

I was very very confused when you were born this year. 

It was a very confusing and stressful weekend. I need to think about it more. I'm seeing a window to a dead-end. I'm walking towards it. And I don't like it. 

Elina

Dear October; 29th of yours in Oxford

 I spent a day in Oxford for my Life in the UK test. Oxford is beautiful.

I passed my exam. I'm really happy. It was not a hard one, but I have a feeling of achieving something which does not happen often recently. 

The night before, Giulio got me a beautiful card. With more beautiful note inside. This man makes me feel everything so much. I'm so grateful that for feeling what I feel now. For friends who are supportive of me. And for my own guts, which brought me here. 

I need to spend a bit more time thanking everyone. 

Love you, 

And you dear October, 

Elina

Dear October; ur stay was short, wasn't it?

Dear October, 

Some days when I wake up, I'm numb. Are you like that too? It's like nothing is important. It's like I have explored every phase and every emotion deeply. It's like I know exactly what to expect in every corner of my senses that going there again will not bring me any surprises. Maybe that's why I become numb. 

On days like this, the first thing I do is to pretend I am "not" numb. I see people I smile. I know which words to use. I know how to make coffee. I remember coffee smells great. Still numb. And as I pretend, each cell because it has its own memory, they all start sending messages to my brain. To wake up. This is you. This is us. Coffee smells good. This morning "can be" beautiful. You "need to" be grateful. 

Now why should I be grateful? 

Again the cells are killing themselves to sending me these messages. My parents face. Elika's smile. Giulio's hands holding my hand, Tarek's face talking to me. Anamika's tea smell, messages from Bamika, from Shokoofeh and Niloo. A new pair of shoes. Sitting at work smiling. A breeze in my hair in summer. Maya's smell. Running after her. My friends squeezing me on my birthday. 

Oh man.. this list can be novels after novels. 

I remembered everything. I can feel again. I am not numb anymore. 

Memories are important. It tells us who we are. It tells us why we are. And we need to respect that. We need to set a time aside. Document it. Think about it. Write about it. Analyse it. Because one day you wake up. You are numb. Like me. Like today. You need to have something to go to. You need to somehow remember who you are. Why you are. Believe me, you dont want to live like a numb person. 

You just don't. 

Life is short. Really short. In a blink of an eye, you will not be here anymore. Just live it then, fully! 

Much love, 
E.

Dear October; you and your beauty

 Dear October, 

You and your beauty. 

You and your beauty, both are making my days. I think I have not seen you like this. This "Eshveh-gar". 

I woke up today with so many colors out of my window. Do I need to thank the pandemic that has opened my eyes to your beauty? Do I need to thank this chaos that slowed my pace down to see you? 

I had a good weekend. I rested. Giulio came over. We biked together to Peckham. We had breakfast in a very cute cafe and then walked, explored the area. We found a rooftop cocktail bar. And spent a good couple of hours there. 

I was feeling a bit anxious the whole time, thinking that he wants to leave at night. And he did. I was worried I hadn't seen him enough. Had not kissed him enough. Time. Greed. And me in love. Let's say they don't know how to be a team player. 

With Niloo we were talking about "Nesting", and how pandemic or maybe this time of our life by chance we are nesting. I am loving spending time with myself and then with G. I don't want to spend time with others like before. I just want to read, think and maybe write. 

Gosh I miss the mountains so much.