Day 32: Self isolation

Ciao amore, 

Everyday, love is growing in me, more and more. 

Elina

Each day, One mantra;

Each day I try to find at least ten minutes of peace. Somewhere quiet to sit and meditate. Ashley is helping me with my daily mantra. It seems like whoever is into yoga, meditation or any other kind of act of peace can be related to you closely no matter where they are and no matter what they do. Isn’t it beautiful?

So here, I sit down on my mat. My very first mat. It’s safe. I close my eyes. I place the palms of my hands on my knees. As I take a deep breath I hear the sound of my dogs’ paws running towards me. And she sits on my mat. Back to back. I keep breathing. Inhale and exhale. After couple of moments I find myself not following the sound of my breaths nor in precious “now”. I find myself near the ocean. I see my toes under the sands. I feel the wind in my hair. And the smell of the salt.

This is my now. I will picture it as long as I can till it comes true.

I trust universe. And this universe will bring me near ocean on time.

The video is dear Ashley Albrand.

Love,

eL.

Divergent;

Something strange has happened to me.

Last night out of blue, I watched “Divergent”. I don’t know if you have seen it or not..

It’s about life in Chicago after war, the city is totally destroyed. People are divided to different factions. Everyone has to enter one category and live and work there by the category rule. The story is a about a girl who turns out to be a “Divergent”. She does not belong to any faction. The society is afraid of her. She has hard time finding the right thing to do. I mean it’s a simple Hollywood movie with its own high-points and low-points.

Today as I was thinking about some scenes of the movie, I realized that I have been thinking about the content of the movie very deeply since last night.

I got to think about the factions, my deepest fears and the reality of who I am. The result and the feeling was really interesting. I think the writer has picked the factions very wisely. And the fact that if you don’t belong to any specific faction then you are unique, and rebel and much more capable than others made my heartbeat raise.

If you have been reading my blog you should already know by now that I have this serious struggle with myself to find the thing that I am here for, to find myself useful. And as I have lots of passions I can not finish one therefore I am jumping all over the place, just a sip of each action, hobby. It makes my surroundings a bit unsteady. Seems like they don’t trust me with my decisions. I am not sure if I am describing it right but I felt really really close to Tris character in the movie while she was struggling to hide the fact that she’s divergent.

I just believe that I am one step closer to the truth.

Love.

eL.

Childhood days;

I want to believe that there’s nothing in the world like right and wrong.
I want to believe that our lives is about feelings, passion.

My mind is like diving into complicated feelings. Life has been hard lately. And I am tired of exploring my reasons for it. I want to be as much strong as I can, but these paradox in feelings are hitting me to the walls of I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck-is-going-on, and it’s so frustrating.

Music is trying its best to make me free of these tight strings. I am afraid of the day that music also fails.

Words words words. Faces. Believes. Talks. They are all around me, they are all in my head and I am carrying this huge tons of sadness that I even do not know where I’ve picked up.

I watched Elham’s animation today again. She made it when her dad died couple of years ago. And I started crying. Lately I cry a lot at work. And for some reason I cannot share them with B. My feelings feel stupid and unreal while facing him. I have not decided if it’s a good thing or not.

I need someone.

I don’t know who he/she is. 

Chasing Happiness & freedom

What was it?
Yesterday I called it “Rush of Feelings”.

I don’t know but in the morning I am someone, and in the afternoon, when the moon rays lighten up the bedroom, I can be someone different. Like a ware-wolf.  The problem is I don’t believe in it.

I came to the office so sharp, fresh. By the way I have not given up my 12 days of yoga challenge. Today is the fourth day and my legs are feeling better.
By the evening, something really fucked up happened at work that totally freaked me out. I will not explain in here. But it was one of those moments that I couldn’t help but completely lose my temper.

I came to Istanbul to live free, with no stupid rules above my head, and most of all to feel secure in daily life. But yesterday it was like a sparkle to show me it’s time to leave. 

In the exact day, I came across Rachel ‘s post in Instagram which had explained about her life before she becomes a famous yogi. And how confused she was. And how hopeful she was along the way.

I went home. For the first time I didn’t want to talk to my friends about it. At home, B seemed so far from the point that I was.

I did yoga for one hour. I was so sleepy due to long working hours, I could have done more though. Watching Chasing Mavericks I went asleep.

In the morning I knew that despite me being so emotional about what happened the day before, I have to live like JAY.

I try to send my love and energy to whoever it is to cause me have this line among my eyebrows.

Love you all.

P.S. I have to write to Cat. Gosh I miss her so much. 

P.S. -again- Here I just want to send all my love to Jay who made me so inspired I felt tears coming down from my eyes. 

And it will be alright

Slow down. Take your time. And it will be alright.

Maybe when Imany decided to sing this, she had no idea that it will be alright. For real.

These days I am so damn inspired. Sometimes I am afraid that I might die soon. LOL.

Yes, I get angry. I get angry and I say the worst words that come to my mind. I say them. But in my heart I have this fire of hope that I know it will never fade out.

I see people around me; their problems. Their anger when something goes wrong. Their happiness when they achieve something and so on.

For me yoga and art have become a way to express it all. Colors have become the language. Forms have become my accent. In between all these curves, you can find me. This is how I curve this line. This unique line of my life. With love and passion. Each time I press my both hands on my mat, and I feel the rush of blood under my skin, I know I am alive. Then I will take a deep breath. And I will start it with down ward facing dog. And my spine just gives me this incredible feeling of liveliness.

This is life. Love is all around us. I just can’t wait to give all my love to the next person I run into. If you do not see it, just slow down. Take your time. And it will be alright. 

love to you all. 

eL.

#100happydays No.5

Days go by. Some are happy, some are sad.
This reminds me of the typography which says, " Today I choose joy" .

Last night I arrived home, I went to bath. Nothing is better than taking a hot bath after 10 hours sitting in front of a screen. Cozy cloths. Perfect smell. 

Together with B, we ordered our favorite noodles with sushi and we watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin". How much I love this novel, and its movie.... who know?:D 

Of course I could post much more better pictures of this movie... sorry for that ! 

I ended my night with a cold beer, and some simple stretching. 

In the morning I woke up with B's voice. He was in a meeting. 

A new day is here. 

xoxo

Last days of the year (1392)

I think now that these are the last days of this year (Persian year), I need to write about it.
This year for me was something else, although it does not feel like a whole different year. For me, it seemed like I have been living like this, in this city for hundred years now.

Hundred years of living in Istanbul.

It’s raining here. Pretty much. Days after days and it just don’t stop. My hands are cold. But I am trying to keep them warm by the fire inside my heart.

This year was about big steps for me. Living with B. Starting my full-time job at dreambox. Getting my work permit. Being in Iran for one months. Having long conversation with my mom. Seeing them managing their life without me and Elika, and how lovely they wish the best for us.

I got angry, I was depressed. I became happy, then I turned to be hopeful. It was night again. I heard the sound of protest in the streets of Istanbul. I saw angry faces. I witnessed people gathering n Gezi park.

One of the highlights was Sani. A cute little dog. My very first pet. I decided to foster her for about 2 months, till my friend takes her to America. But these two months changed to 10 months, and now that I am writing, just one day ahead she will be leaving me. I am feeling a very heavy feeling of love and lust on my heart. On one hand I am happy that finally Sani will be with her owners, but on the other hand what about me? 

Will I take a pet in this year? I hope.

I lost a friend this year. Our dear MohammadReza, who went to sleep and never woke up. I was in the office when my mom told me. I didn’t know where to burst my tears. I listen to this whenever I think about him. He really liked this music.

I was pretty much luck to have B beside me the whole year. We laughed. We were mad. We worked. We were wasted on weekends (mostly we weren’t). And at last we are continuing making history together.

I am ending my year with my first session of yoga. I know I may have a long way to go, but I assume I am on the right track. Every day I am trying to take a step forward to self-improvement.

I will add my new year resolution soon. 

xoxo

P.S . Happy birthday to Jack Kerouac. 

P.S. These days are full of Ray LaMontagne for me. 

Etan - The Hunger (Official Music Video)

I think what she does is awesome .
What do you think?

eL.

Azam Ali : Abode

My best part of the day is when I come out of the office , after a whole day talking in English and Turkish , I put my earphones and listen to this :





Still, on the boughs of the trees, there are only crows
Ah, The flowers are withered 
There is a madman in the garden
My heart is like a goblet of fire
My body is like a stove, it burns
But there is not even a light in the whole world
There is not even a light, there is not even a light

I came from the other side of the world to this place
Don't tell me the world is beautiful, I don't see its beauty
Still, there is sorrow in my heart, it is a strong torment
Don't tell me not to cry
Don't tell me life is short
Don't tell me life is short
Don't tell me life is short

Which nocturnal mourn, Which nightly summon
Which spell and magic, Which romantic prayer
Take me to my home, to my beloved
From this side of the world to that side
Take me to my beloved, take me to my beloved

Which way, Which road
Which tear, Which moan
Which cloud and which zenith
Which tide and which moon
Take me to my home, to my beloved
From this side of the world to that side
Take me to my beloved, take me to my beloved

Still, convoy of love doesn't reach it's destination 
We are drowned and our voice doesn't reach the shore
Doesn't reach the shore

Still, there are tears in my eyes
and I gaze at the road (for my beloved)
There is no sun here, no moon
How very dark the world is, How very dark the world is

Which way, Which road
Which tear, Which moan
Which cloud and which zenith
Which tide and which moon
Take me to my home, to my beloved
From this side of the world to that side
Take me to my beloved, take me to my beloved
Take me to my beloved

Take me to my beloved .

eL.