Dear October; ur stay was short, wasn't it?

Dear October, 

Some days when I wake up, I'm numb. Are you like that too? It's like nothing is important. It's like I have explored every phase and every emotion deeply. It's like I know exactly what to expect in every corner of my senses that going there again will not bring me any surprises. Maybe that's why I become numb. 

On days like this, the first thing I do is to pretend I am "not" numb. I see people I smile. I know which words to use. I know how to make coffee. I remember coffee smells great. Still numb. And as I pretend, each cell because it has its own memory, they all start sending messages to my brain. To wake up. This is you. This is us. Coffee smells good. This morning "can be" beautiful. You "need to" be grateful. 

Now why should I be grateful? 

Again the cells are killing themselves to sending me these messages. My parents face. Elika's smile. Giulio's hands holding my hand, Tarek's face talking to me. Anamika's tea smell, messages from Bamika, from Shokoofeh and Niloo. A new pair of shoes. Sitting at work smiling. A breeze in my hair in summer. Maya's smell. Running after her. My friends squeezing me on my birthday. 

Oh man.. this list can be novels after novels. 

I remembered everything. I can feel again. I am not numb anymore. 

Memories are important. It tells us who we are. It tells us why we are. And we need to respect that. We need to set a time aside. Document it. Think about it. Write about it. Analyse it. Because one day you wake up. You are numb. Like me. Like today. You need to have something to go to. You need to somehow remember who you are. Why you are. Believe me, you dont want to live like a numb person. 

You just don't. 

Life is short. Really short. In a blink of an eye, you will not be here anymore. Just live it then, fully! 

Much love, 
E.

Last week of September

 Just look at this face!!! I can look at him for many many years. 

Day 45: Self isolation

A man with taste is sexy.

One of my birthday gifts from him. He knows me well. And it is so beautiful.

My rainy day and you by Giulia Rosa

Giulia Rosa's illustrations.

Love,
Elina

Day 42: Self isolation

Love is good.
Love is the best.
I have love.
I am in love.

Elina

Day 37: Self isolation

Is it true that nature is so strong you forget "your home"?
Is it true that nature is so strong you forget where you belong?
I think I have forgot my home, I have forgot the castle.
Being blessed with this view;
Birds are singing constantly.
What's not to love?
What else is there to miss?

I fell in love with this house.

Breathe,
Elina

Day 35: Self isolation

In the times of lockdown, you need pets.
You need cats.
You need dogs.
You need plants.
You need sounds of nature.
You need to sit on the ground. Straight back.
You need to feel your hip bones on the hard surface.
You need to make noises. Loud sighs.
Pretend to be an animal. Open your chest. Move your body.
Let your voice come out.
No one is watching.
Go wild. Be raw.
You are free.
You are happy (or sad).
You are love. 

Day 29: Self isolation

Today in Iran and tomorrow in UK is my birthday.

So blessed for all the lovely friends I have!

So so so blessed for the journey I am in.

So much love in me.

Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you <3

Aurora and I; social distancing

Happy birthday Elina.

Day 25: Self isolation

I learned that in quarantine I have everything I want. I'm a better version of myself.

I am working better. I'm working on my terms, my hours, my pace which tells me how much I hate rules and regulations.
Sitting under the sun is one of my joyful parts of the day, which tells me how grateful I am that quarantine and self isolation is happening in Spring & Summer. I could not do it in Winter.
I spend more time here thinking about what I'm eating. I'm cooking and eating mindfully, which I have never done before.
I get to listen to more music with more focus. I have time to search each DJ, I have time to listen to their work. Discuss them with G. I think next time I go to rave, definitely I understand more of the music.
I'm doing exercise an hour a day which I had never done it like this. I'm so proud of the strength of my body. I like my body more. I care about it more. 
I worry less. I'm more grounded.
I'm spending quality time with G. Getting to know each other and knowing that we might never get this chance again. I mean to be this much in peace while being challenged.
I read articles fully again. I read my book again in peace.
I get to be quiet for long hours.
I miss dancing so much. SO much.
I miss hugging my friends.
I miss my dog.
I miss my clothes.

But I am sure I am not missing fast-pace life of London.

I will not come out of this self isolation empty handed. I already have gained so much. I have so much love in me.

Sending it all to you,
Elina

Day 23: Self isolation

Today was a good day.

Later into the evening, I had a fight with my family on the phone. Gosh I hate these fights.
My sister is still going to work. And I am paralysed with worry.
I called them & said I am sorry that I shouted.
I think maybe these days at home can be a good time for me to dig deeper in these family issues.

Gosh everything is heavy on my chest.

Last night I slept in his arms under the moonlight.

White wine with sunset

Burgers with BBC news

P.S. I miss Maya so much.

Breathe,
Elina

Day 22: Self isolation

I woke up today with a very very deep sorrow for everything. People dying. The rest living in fear. I read today on my friend's fb page that she's having nightmares of losing her family. She is a doctor herself in US.
My sister is forced to go to work back in Iran. I'm so worried for my family..
I know the rest of the worrying and anxiety compare to what's happening in the world is nothing, I know. But I can feel however I want to, no?
As this place is where I can share everything.. I revise how I started this post:

I woke up today with a very very deep sorrow for my trip to Costa Rica that got cancelled. Gosh I am so pissed. I was planning this trip back and forth for a couple of years now. And I was so close to go!

I just hope something good comes out of this mess. People living mindfully. People caring about the environment more. People being kinder to each other. Governments understand unity more.

Strawberry smoothie with a dark chocolate

Stay safe,
Elina

Day 21: Self isolation

Getting some sun.
Having some hope.
Sharing some love.

Beautiful corner

With love,
Elina

Day 19: Self isolation

When he hugs me, I have the whole world in me. 

Day 18: Self isolation

Happy April.

Today I was about to go to Perugia work Journalism Festival. For five days. G wanted to come for couple of days there. We had rented a car. We wanted to stay in a castle... Well, CoronaVirus changed the whole plan!

I had totally forgot about Perugia in the past couple of day.

Tonight after we watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin", i went to the room to sleep and saw that he has turned on the projector. And there was a video clip about Perugia.

I was full of tears. I was speechless.

I think I reviewed the speech Pelagia's father made about love in my head while I was tearing up:

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like
volcanoes and then subsides.  And when it subsides you have to make a
decision.  You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined
together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.That is just being in love, which any fool can do.  Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground,
and, when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one
tree and not two.

I felt love that night. Loud and clear. It was not new. I have it in me for quite sometime. For the past couple of months. And it's here to stay. It's here to warm my body and to give me hope for a very long time. I can feel it. 

We are in Perugia

Dinner tonight

Yumm - Pana chocolate

Coroni days with G are the best days! Shhh! 

With love,
Elina

Day 16: Self isolation

Today I am with myself in my head.

Today is actual self-isolation.

Breathe,
Elina

Day 11: Self isolation

Listening to De Sluwe Vos & his live sunset set. 

Well. Staying at home is not the easiest when it is forced.

Today G seems disoriented. Not focused. I'm okay though. My body HURTS from the exercises we did in the past two days.

Weather is still amazing. I sat outside in the balcony for good amount of time. I am trying to find little joys. Like asking him to sing for me. Or having a coffee together.

We are going basics.

Toilet

Today we had left-overs. And pizza is waiting for us for dinner.

Hang in there,
Elina

Day 10: Self isolation

We woke up late today.

I forgot to tell you, from yesterday we started doing some exercise. 40 minutes of exercise with weights.

Weather is amazing. It's a torture to stay in.

Online shopping has stopped. We should not be more than three people together in the streets. In public places we need to stay away from each other with two meters apart. Pubs & restaurants are closed. People are still out in so many neighbourhoods.

I know for a fact that I'm lucky that my job is not affected with this virus. I will stay sane & get the best out of this quarantine.

These days for me is all about food, work, quality time with us. Today I felt we are real adults. The feeling of trust, safety and love was all over me. So much love for this feeling.

There will be loads of food photos on the way.

Sorry for scattered sentences.

Mozzarella with tomatoes

Courgettes and onions getting ready for pasta with ricotta 

Salmon with chopped tomatoes

With love,
Elina

Day 9: Self isolation

If last year, on this day someone would come to me and would tell me:

"A year from now, a pandemic virus will make you sit at home for weeks."

I would be like, "Fuck off".

Well you never know what's in the cards for you.

So when I say self-isolation, I do not mean that I have not left the house. I did. I went out twice. With full gear. Masks, gloves & not getting close to anyone.

This while coronavirus is changing human behavioural I think. I ordered some cheese from this amazing place I found (La Latteria) last week. I wanted to order some for him so he would not miss home. Today the delivery came, instead of asking us for our signature when we got the cheese, he took a photo from him! Haha. I laughed.

It's crazy to say this but so far I have been enjoying this self-isolation.

We have started watching "The Outsider". Very dark. A bit scary.

I try to do yoga everyday.

Today we planted a chilli pepper.

Pasta with ricotta, basil and tomato

*I have decided to document every day of my self-isolation.

Breathe,
Elina

Have a reminder for your 'Happiness Capacity'

There's a hidden joyful epiphany in finding your drafts when writing. The words you used, that you had forgot. The feelings that got faded away in time...

I got that today with finding a very old draft. 

I decided on a 30 day yoga today. I need to make a change. I need to bring light in my life again. 

Xmas dinner in the castle with loved ones

*I should always remember this smile, this night and how happy I can be.

Start over

Well, new year started. With loads of love, kisses and hugs.
Someone died. I cried. A lot.
I feel for my country. I miss my land.

But never have I ever experienced a deeper love that I feel for my family and friends. I feel a warm hand holding my hand, helping me to stand up on my feet.

And walk again. Run again. Be me again!

Right timing;

Love who you love while you have them.
That’s all you can do. Let them go when you must.
If you know how to love, you’ll never run out.

Maya

*Ann Brashares, My Name Is Memory