Dear October; 29th of yours in Oxford

 I spent a day in Oxford for my Life in the UK test. Oxford is beautiful.

I passed my exam. I'm really happy. It was not a hard one, but I have a feeling of achieving something which does not happen often recently. 

The night before, Giulio got me a beautiful card. With more beautiful note inside. This man makes me feel everything so much. I'm so grateful that for feeling what I feel now. For friends who are supportive of me. And for my own guts, which brought me here. 

I need to spend a bit more time thanking everyone. 

Love you, 

And you dear October, 

Elina

Photos with stories

 I see this face on this photo in Victoria and Albert museum. And I fall in love with life all over again. 

I see this face on this photo and I think, "Good for you!". 

Be who you are and enjoy your life. 

RUNderful life;

I do respect runners deeply . I always have.
Actually I always wanted to be a runner myself. Back in my hometown I tried. Hijab got in the way, pollution wasn't helping either.
So I quit.
I am skinny. I never needed sport for sake of fitness. That's how the whole concept was explained to me when I was a kid. So I didn't go after it.
But I had this vision of a happier me in my mind and running was in it.

I started running a year back in Istanbul. I started on my own and I was about to pick up injury I can tell when NHS podcast was suggested to me.

Now I am running each day.

Running has become daily meditation for me. Everyday after the first 20 minutes of running I need to tell myself, "You can do this", repeatedly! Believe me I found my mantra and silence in running everyday. That's when I can turn the switch of my brain off and let it all go.

*The photo was taken today. I ran yesterday under the showering rain and still my shoes are wet.

Love,

Breathe,

eL.

Sunset, oh dear sunset;

Istanbul sky

Love,

eL.

I refuse to give up my wildness;

I have always been wildly indecisive, dipping my hungry limbs into all sorts of hobbies and professions and projects and interests. Not because I'm irresponsible, really, but because my spirit longs to sample each and every patch of life like sips of wine. I've been an artist, and a musician, and a journalist, and a photographer, and an employee, some at the same time, some for a while, some for only a breath. When something isn't the proper fit for me, I honor it, and then gently (and swiftly) let it go. I am forever learning what I love, and, maybe even more importantly, what I don't love. Some folks may see this as quitting, as something that should be shamed, but I think it's so fucking beautiful. It's okay that I'm neither one thing, or the other. I refuse to be bound by boundaries. I refuse to give up my wildness. I promise to always change my mind. I contain multitudes. I am a universe wrapped in skin. And so are you.

Thanks Kristen Hedges for the inspiration. 

Inspired by life;

Today is Wednesday;
It’s 10^th of June.
It’s been 3 days since B has gone.
It’s been 2 days since I am doing push-ups. My abs hurt like shit.
It’s been 1 months since I do yoga & meditate each night.
It’s 11:00.

I’m so inspired. Not specially for running, or do more yoga, or for art or for cooking… I am just so inspired to live this awesome life. 

I am carrying this pain with me every day around and I respect it. It shows me that I am working, I am one more step nearer to “it”. I don’t know what “it” is but I know “it” worth it.

I don’t feel lonely. I feel strong and oriented. I feel that I have extra hours although I am working more than before. I miss talking. There’s no one around to talk to. I miss talking in Farsi. It seems like vipassana in language. I spend as much time as possible with Maya. She has all the love in the world.

I have got used to the clouds. I dream of sun. It’s not like I am happy on sunny days or whatever… I just need sun for a long time. I want to know that sun will stay forever. Not for a season, or a week or a day. I have to know that it will stay. I want to be sure that each awesome sunset that I witness will bring a beautiful day again with the same sun, with the same warmth over my head.

I am taking everything so slow. It feels right.

I cook more.

I am alive. 

Love you.

eL. 

Divergent;

Something strange has happened to me.

Last night out of blue, I watched “Divergent”. I don’t know if you have seen it or not..

It’s about life in Chicago after war, the city is totally destroyed. People are divided to different factions. Everyone has to enter one category and live and work there by the category rule. The story is a about a girl who turns out to be a “Divergent”. She does not belong to any faction. The society is afraid of her. She has hard time finding the right thing to do. I mean it’s a simple Hollywood movie with its own high-points and low-points.

Today as I was thinking about some scenes of the movie, I realized that I have been thinking about the content of the movie very deeply since last night.

I got to think about the factions, my deepest fears and the reality of who I am. The result and the feeling was really interesting. I think the writer has picked the factions very wisely. And the fact that if you don’t belong to any specific faction then you are unique, and rebel and much more capable than others made my heartbeat raise.

If you have been reading my blog you should already know by now that I have this serious struggle with myself to find the thing that I am here for, to find myself useful. And as I have lots of passions I can not finish one therefore I am jumping all over the place, just a sip of each action, hobby. It makes my surroundings a bit unsteady. Seems like they don’t trust me with my decisions. I am not sure if I am describing it right but I felt really really close to Tris character in the movie while she was struggling to hide the fact that she’s divergent.

I just believe that I am one step closer to the truth.

Love.

eL.

May all the wishes come true;

My friend sent me a message:

"Elina, I wish you the wind so it takes you straight to the ocean where you can surf".

How beautiful and awesome is this wish?!

Love.xo

eL.

My birthday wish

It’s really funny and interestingly weird that two years ago on my birthday I had this one and only wish; I wished Dreambox accepts me as a full-time employee, and now after two years, on the same day I am seeking a way out.

Again I am facing the same fears, same doubts and same efforts to prove myself I am enough. That I am perfect. 

Isn't it interesting? The effort we put to find the thing we think we love and then hopelessly we search for a shortcut to finish it? To get away from it as much as possible?!

I read a paragraph by Lillian Schneider which says: 

“Single people want relationships, settled people wonder if they’re missing out on something, traveling types miss stability, stable ones are restless, old friends want new friends, new friends miss old friends, and basically almost everyone my age has some dangling worry trailing around after them everywhere that they’re somehow not doing everything, that what they’re doing is not altogether the right thing, that they are missing out. … Do not be ashamed. The doubt is natural, and everyone you know – yes, even that person – carries it sometimes too. Allow yourself to be peaceful. Allow yourself satisfaction in what you have. If you really don’t like it, allow yourself permission to make changes.”

I think It's so true it worths reading couple of times over and over. 
On one hand it makes you hopeful that everyone else in this world are struggling, just like you, just like me! On the other hand it can make you dangerously hopeless: Why trying then? Why to put myself in so much pain and doubt. It seems nobody gets it at last. 
-it?-yeah, I mean happiness. I mean being content and reaching to the concept of being "enough". 
Maybe. But if you just give up, it does not feel right. You have to fight. You have to be wild at heart. 
The destination is all about the journey itself. About all the pain that moves through your veins and nerves and makes you cry loud. It's all about the love towards yourself, which you want the best for yourself. You are not happy with the sadness. You need to go higher, because you fucking deserve it. 

I've never ever said out loud my wish for my birthday, but this year I will. 

I wish I find a way that I know it's right. I wish for the best of me. I wish to find a job that I love it with all of my heart.... 
And I wish I find the thing that I realize I WAS BORN TO DO. And till I find it I will never give up. 

Love you all. 

Breathe, believe and receive!

Hi everyone,

Have you ever think about “Mantra”s?

I mean when was the first time you heard about them? Did you use them? Do they make you feel comfortable or you feel stupid while repeating your mantras?!

For me, the first time in my life I heard about mantras in this book. My boyfriend had broken up with me and I was very young and in love. I thought I could die with this broken heart, I needed some comfort, even talking to my friends was not helping, I needed more than that.

In the search for a real love, I started my mantras at the edge of 20. I used to write all the time, I used to repeat these mantras all the time, whenever I was sad I used to repeat that I am happy and grateful, and to tell you the truth I can never, ever disregard the effects and impacts of them on my life.

Now today let’s just take a moment, sit somewhere comfortable, drink something warm and delicious, grab a pen and your journal. Just start to write.

Me writing, relaxing and being grateful in weekend!

Write about the reasons you are proud of yourself. The changes that you wish to see in yourself. Make them simple, lovely phrases and repeat them in your meditation. Try to imagine it. Try to be it in your mind. Feel each aspect of it. And enjoy being it.

Healing Mantra by CarlyMarie

There’s nothing better in life than being grateful and hopeful for things yet to come!

Love you all.xoxo

What I hope to happen in 2015!

Hi,

It’s the second day of 2015.

I am really happy I wrote about my 2014; it seemed like an extra load on my shoulders that I put down. It seemed like having a general overview of what had happened this year. I was able to see the dark parts much better, were they really dark? Or have I  just assumed that it’s the hard parts!?

Anyway, I started my new year at home, beside B and my dear dear dear Maya! Watching TV, talking, relaxing and I did yoga after 2 weeks. For one complete hour. It was a bless.

I had started to write my 2015 resolutions from couple of days ago & today I finished it. Here I will share it, and by each time that one is done, I will cross them from my list.

Wish you all the bests, and love in the world!

Breathe* :)

☮ Start my website

☮ Start my shop in Etsy, little illustrations :)

☮ Try not to think and talk about worthless matters.

☮ Being more strong physically

☮ Buy a blender and start drinking more juice and smoothies.

☮ Wash Maya’s teeth three times a week (Saturday/Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday)

☮ Do yoga each night at least 30 minutes and mindfulness meditation 10 minutes.

☮ Focusing on core strength and balance in asanas.

☮ Run each day 20 minutes

☮ Join the Haliç Marathon

☮ Start swimming from June.

☮ Learn to surf

☮ Visit at least two places (in or out of Turkey)

☮ Be more calm and tranquil

☮ Be more self-confident

☮ Try to wake up with the sun-rise each day.

☮ Improve my English / Get IELTS

☮ Apply for university

☮ Get my tattoo :D (it’s been in my list for two fucking years now. Haha)

☮ Keep going with my 52 week challenge of Jar!

☮ Spend more time loving people that liking their photos on social media.

☮ Read more books. ☮ Buy glasses ☮ Buy a perfect yoga mat

☮ Make my house more homey and more smart in the usage terms.

☮ Visit Cappadocia.

☮ Buy more plants.

☮ Learn more about the moon.

☮ Do some charity work.

*I learned from a friend to write “Breathe” at the end of emails. When you see it, for one second close your eyes, take a deep breath and be grateful for your being.

What happened in 2014?

Hey!

It’s getting close to the end of this year! Although I still assume Norooz as my new year, but this is another chance to write about my goals!

Photo from Free People Blog / Horoscope 

This year also I want to list the things that happened to me in 2014. You can also grab a paper and write with me. I wrote some questions, and I thought by answering them I can get a better perspective of how my year passed. And in this way I can really learn from my year.
I will post it after it's finished but I may add something after sometimes as I remember stuff more clearly. 

Questions I am eager to answer : 

ॐ What made me HAPPY in this year?

ॐ What made me SAD in this year?

ॐ When was I inspired?

ॐ When was I hopeless?

ॐ What made me cry?

ॐ Where did I visit?

ॐ What new experience I had?

ॐ Any new goals that I set this year for myself? Are they still there? If not, what changed them?

ॐ Good moments & bad moments (which you can find in the first couple of sentences)

ॐ Could I achieve my 2014 goals?
ॐ Music of the year . 

Here is my answers: (this post will be a hell of a long post!) 

Moments I was HAPPY in 2014 :

When we were on a trip to Kaş.
When we got Maya and every second that she made my life brighter and happier.
When I learned that Babak does not need to go to Beirut. (Never told him though)
When I dyed my hair pink.
When I cut my hair short.
When I started yoga.
When I went to Iran and saw all these friends who love me and miss me!
When I was able to stand in a crow pose for 4 sec!
When my dad sent me our family picture.
When we went dancing with our friends.
When I found my passion for yoga.
When I read the recommendation letter that Samila joon wrote for me.
When we made that stupid rap song with Cat on the rooftop. 

Most of the mornings, weekends or nights that I went out with Babak.
When I found out that Rick Cowley has emailed me.
And couple of not clear moments from the work. 

Moments I was ANGRY or SAD in 2014:

When my mom left after I was sick.
When we sent Sani to her owners to America.
When I realized that Mohammadreza is dead.
The days that I was really hopeless with my working life in DB, which was a LOT.
Each time I checked my bank account and figured out that I cannot support myself on my own.
Moments that somehow I found myself really lonely.
Moments that I missed my friends and needed someone to talk to heart to heart.
Moments I felt useless at work.
All the times that I wanted to leave the office but I had to stay late.
All the times when I missed my yoga class because of my work.
When the weather was rainy, cold and cloudy.
Times that I had fight with Babak.
All the times that I felt as a failure because I have given up art.
Times that I felt not enough.
All the times that I had to search news photos for our presentation at work. And I was sure that war is so close.
All the times that I felt very far from Babak. 

When I was damn tired and could not think or act properly. 

Moments I was INSPIRED in 2014:

Each time I checked yoga_girl social media.
Each time I read these inspirational articles online.
The day that I decided that I will try surfing and I have to prepare my body for it.
The day that Babak told me that my Turkish was good and he had not realized it.
Couple of nights that I went running.
After yoga.
When I found out about Rick Cowley Fyckit list.
When I noticed that even my friends are inspired by my passion towards yoga.
When Babak suggested me to go to Izmir and quit my work here in Istanbul.
When I chose my tattoo (have not done it yet though!) 

While doing "ab challenge" or yoga girl 21 days of challenge. 

Moments I was HOPELESS in 2014:

All the time that I was sure that I am not doing the thing I like.
All the time that I was sure that I don’t know what I like.

Things that made me cry in 2014: 

When Sani left.
When Kobani happened.
Whenever I read something about people having hard time, like war, poverty, etc.
When my mom left.
When I thought about our old house in Tehran.
When I missed my family.
When I thought about the little moments of being in Tehran.
When having fight with Babak, he said something really mean.
When I found out that Alireza's dad is sick.
When I was writing an email to Atlas because of her mom's death. 

Places I see in 2014: 

I went to west and south west of Turkey. Alaçatı, Kaş, İzmir, Selçuk. 

New experiences that I had in 2014: 

Being responsible for a puppy.
Going to yoga.
Starting to think about surfing as I am not a sportive person at all.
Handling a full-time job.
Handling life as an independent person. (It was a lot to take some days)
Flying with fly-sea-bird airplanes.
Getting stuck in an elevator.

Goals that I had in 2014: 

I wanted to apply for MA degree in America, I did not. I might be afraid. I am not sure about it.
I wanted to continue yoga and I did, because I love the life style that yoga brought to my life.
I wanted to go for a run each day. I did not continue it because the weather got freaking cold and rainy.
But I had made this list by the beginning of 2014 and I did 70% of it and I am grateful for that.

Music that was with me through 2014: 

-Follow the sun by Xavier Rudd
-Black as the night by Nahko Bear

What about you?
Do you have any more questions? Write me in the comment box so I add it here and answer it from my behalf.

Love Love Love

Childhood days;

I want to believe that there’s nothing in the world like right and wrong.
I want to believe that our lives is about feelings, passion.

My mind is like diving into complicated feelings. Life has been hard lately. And I am tired of exploring my reasons for it. I want to be as much strong as I can, but these paradox in feelings are hitting me to the walls of I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck-is-going-on, and it’s so frustrating.

Music is trying its best to make me free of these tight strings. I am afraid of the day that music also fails.

Words words words. Faces. Believes. Talks. They are all around me, they are all in my head and I am carrying this huge tons of sadness that I even do not know where I’ve picked up.

I watched Elham’s animation today again. She made it when her dad died couple of years ago. And I started crying. Lately I cry a lot at work. And for some reason I cannot share them with B. My feelings feel stupid and unreal while facing him. I have not decided if it’s a good thing or not.

I need someone.

I don’t know who he/she is. 

Thursday Quote;

Stay patient and trust your journey.

eL. 

One Day;

Yeah. I did start to run again. Actually now that I think I don’t remember why I used to run?
I think it makes it special, like a real desire of the heart. Hm?

Yesterday I came across my 2014 resolution in my journal and I saw that I have done 2/3^rd of it without even realizing. And it made me proud.

I put my goal to surf. For that I need to work on my body. Running and yoga is good, but not enough. Besides I am not a good yogi or runner. I have to work much more.

Maya got sick and she seems so weak to me lately. After this weekend I have to spend some time with her. She’s so cute and every day I come to work I miss her so much.

Each day, in the morning that I wake up and I remember that I the night before I went running, I just cannot help it but have the big smile on my face.

What about you?

What made you smile today?

P.S. I found this website by the way, it seems a good place to make your lists.
http://dayzeroproject.com/

Loving life;

Life goes on and there’s not a single day which I can stop my mind from wandering around.

I am starting to get use to my job. It is not that tiring that is used to be. We often work on the rebranding of news channels. Preparing presentation for these project is my main job. They say I have a really good eye for finding right references. Of course I do. I used to take photos all the time. I call myself an artist. How can someone be an artist without having an artistic point of view?

Lately I am focusing on Human stories. Forgotten people. I searched for the countries in war, countries with highest raping rates, no human rights, violence and genocide. Every day when I am looking at these news & photos I just start to cry. I have puffy eyes at lunch.

But this is life, isn’t it?!

And I love it. I love my life, all my little fights with B besides long kisses and endless laughs. I love my cute dog, Maya. I love my thoughts even when they are negatives. I love my challenges towards fading them. And I love you all.

Autumn Bucket list

Today is the first day of October. And autumn is officially here.

In Istanbul we are having cool breezes all over the place and also experiencing hot sun for 2 or 3 hrs.

I want to make my bucket list for three months of this fall : )

*Start to run for 3 days a week
*Meditate more
*Start yoga in YogaŞala
*Eat more greens
*Clear my working problems with my boss (Hours problems, salary problems)
*Be more grateful
*Long walks with Maya
*Go more to the nature; Rize, Black sea
*Take more photos
*Smile and appreciate each minute of life
*Prepare my closet for cold days

What about you?

Grab a pen and a paper, write down your list and clip it to your journal and share it online! Don’t forget to mention me. Reading your bucket lists are really inspiring! 

October calendar, I downloaded from free people website

tbt

I miss my times with pen and ink. 

And all at once summer collapsed into fall;

Good Morning. Late good morning though.

Before I start anything I want to thank The WHO for Baba O’Reily. I want to shout as hard as I can every single word of it. It’s become the only reason I put my headphones in my ears and take a deep breathe in late summer breeze these days.

Remember before I talked about joy a bit? And today I am joyful. I am grateful for Maya, my cute dog, and for B who stands beside me no matter what!

Change is near for me. And I don’t mean geographically. I mean for me and within me.

I am getting closer and closer to write a letter to my future. I guess I am getting better and better with picturing my fears. My happiness. My fingers are all alive again. Last week, I went to D&R (a bookstore in Istanbul) and bought a Moleskine sketch book. I have started a daily practice of mandalas. I am practicing my meditation much more. Again I am feeling this rush of drawing.

I am so inspired. 

Mandala loving furious kinda girl;

The theme for yesterday was “Get Fearless” *.

I had to write the list of things that I am afraid of. I did.

Yes, I am afraid of heights, but no I won’t be dying looking down.
Yes, I am afraid of losing my loved ones, and no, I don’t keep thinking about it till I start to cry. Nah!
Yes, I am afraid of lizards, and yes I scream to death when one of them get close to me. (Maya ate one of them last week. Euuuurgh!)

Then somehow it was so clear for me. All I was thinking was the things that I was angry about.

Why am I angry this much?! Hm? Today Celik (A friend from work) told me anger comes from fear, you have to figure out what is it that you are furious about this much? 

And it made me think. I am not sure yet. But I think I have to meditate upon it more.

Also I want to buy a notebook and start my Mandala therapy.

Love you all. 

* #getfearless