Dear November; welcome

 Dear November, 

I was very very confused when you were born this year. 

It was a very confusing and stressful weekend. I need to think about it more. I'm seeing a window to a dead-end. I'm walking towards it. And I don't like it. 

Elina

October; oh my gentle October

 Dear October, 

Today you are raining. Enough of being a people pleaser, yeah?! It's okay. Cry. Shed those tears on me. I will be the shoulder for you. 

I was talking to Bamika the other day & we were discussing the fact that how often we forgot what a long way we came to get where we are. I was telling them what Anamika told me and we decided to remind each other that we need to compare us with ourselves. Not with others. 

I did come a long way. Every little piece of my soul, I dug deep, found the very beginning of me. Then I helped it rise. I fought, oh I fought with my blood and bones. I am proud of myself. I have a long way to go. I should not step back. I should raise my head high and take a big step. A strong step. And I will do it. 

I wrote this to remember. I wrote this because I am me. 

Love, 
E.

October; The Haunting of me

Hello dear October, 

I feel you are very flexible. You like to compromise. I guess, like me, you can be a people-pleaser. 

The moment I feel low, you show an exhausted ray of sun. I smile. 

Third week of October is passing with this tunes. And it's just gorgeous. 

Yesterday, after ages I decided to write again to calm my fervent mind. I opened my little blue notebook. But the pen didn't feel right. My fingers were like a brick. I didn't know if I want to write in Farsi or English. My brain was faster than the weak struggle of my fingers and pen on the paper. So I stopped. 

I found myself writing an email to Giulio. Three paragraphs to it, I noticed for him, my words will not make sense. "Why Ellie has written me this email?", he would wonder. And later he would call me looking for an answer. And I didn't want to explain myself. So I copied and pasted it here. 

There's no lie here. Here is my room. It's my safe place. People who reads this are my people. And my brain's pace is similar to my typing speed. So How do you curve a line, from now on will be my daily notebook. 

I watched "The Haunting of Bly Manor" last week. And it has haunted me to be honest. I'm living in a slow pace of a spirit. A lost soul looking for an answer. My life is very the same everyday except it isn't. I feel fresh, I feel happy but everything has stopped. There's a deep layer of fear in my heart. A kind of fear you don't have the courage to face. It's like an acid trip. Exactly like the movie, it's like I'm tucked in to a memory. And when I get to this point, I want to be alone. I want to be by myself. People annoy me. 

I don't like this loop. I want to go back to my life pre-Covid. 

I'm so scared I can not come out of this fear. 

Everyday, I wake up. I walk. I work. I go to bed. I forget. 

I wake up. 

I walk. 

I work. 

I go to bed. 

I forget. 

Elina

Scared Heart is Smaller

 I kinda finished work and I'm reading for my course tomorrow. 

Today I woke up early, took shower. And started to work immediately. I had a lot to do and was able to finish all of it. 

I could not fight it but I have an annoying voice at the back of my head throwing negative words at me. So I decided to write. I decided to throw up my fears on this page, maybe I can lower its voice down. 

These days I am scared. I'm scared of the future. Even when my mum tells me, it's going to be okay, I don't buy it. I'm applying for my ILR. Next year the citizenship process is waiting for me in the queue. I will be almost 36 years old when I become British. And I will have a couple of thousands pounds in my bank account. To be positive, I have to say that something will happen. But The negative side always takes over, no? 

Will my dreams come true?

Till how much I'm ready to sacrifice to make my dreams real? 

I'm scared. Life is short and having it all is a lot of work. 

I need to fix this. I need to find a way AGAIN. 

All by myself;

 When I was young

I never needed anyone

And making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

Livin' alone

I think of all the friends I've known

When I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymore

Lyrics: Eric Carman

Singer: Celin Dion

I find joy in stillness

Yes, I still find lockdown a precious time. No, I don't enjoy every second of it.

Our lives are so cluttered. We keep running around, working a lot, worrying too much. So much noice. Now we have this time to be with ourselves, separated from all the useless additions.

I take more deep breaths. I worry less. I love more. Deeper. I am less distracted.

If you can not relate to any of these, dig deeper. Never in our busy lives we were given this opportunity to "just sit".

Let's appreciate this time.

Be still,
Elina

Boundaries

When you are going through a tough time, how much you should expect your loved ones to be there for you? 

This question is very important. Expectations shape friendships and relationships. You need to know the answer to this question for every single person in your life, and you need to tell them. If they don't agree, both ends need to compromise.

That's how it has to be done. You can not go around and repeat, "I'm like this",  "I want to be treated like this". This is not how it works. You need to meet half way.

Boundaries. It's always about boundaries.

Breathe,
Elina

Day 45: Self isolation

A man with taste is sexy.

One of my birthday gifts from him. He knows me well. And it is so beautiful.

My rainy day and you by Giulia Rosa

Giulia Rosa's illustrations.

Love,
Elina

Day 43: Self isolation

So I'm back home. In the castle.

And I miss him.

Sometimes very much. Very very much.

Elina

Day 42: Self isolation

Love is good.
Love is the best.
I have love.
I am in love.

Elina

Day 36: Self isolation

Am I missing the castle or not?
Have I lost the meaning of "missing a place" after missing my home so much?

This needs time to think. This needs digging.

I saved an aloe vera plant by the way.

Before - You can see the brownish leaves.

After repotting & adding new soil: It's more green.

Be greener,
Elina

Day 35: Self isolation

In the times of lockdown, you need pets.
You need cats.
You need dogs.
You need plants.
You need sounds of nature.
You need to sit on the ground. Straight back.
You need to feel your hip bones on the hard surface.
You need to make noises. Loud sighs.
Pretend to be an animal. Open your chest. Move your body.
Let your voice come out.
No one is watching.
Go wild. Be raw.
You are free.
You are happy (or sad).
You are love. 

Day 31: Self isolation

HelenXx

No caption, just love <3

Day 25: Self isolation

I learned that in quarantine I have everything I want. I'm a better version of myself.

I am working better. I'm working on my terms, my hours, my pace which tells me how much I hate rules and regulations.
Sitting under the sun is one of my joyful parts of the day, which tells me how grateful I am that quarantine and self isolation is happening in Spring & Summer. I could not do it in Winter.
I spend more time here thinking about what I'm eating. I'm cooking and eating mindfully, which I have never done before.
I get to listen to more music with more focus. I have time to search each DJ, I have time to listen to their work. Discuss them with G. I think next time I go to rave, definitely I understand more of the music.
I'm doing exercise an hour a day which I had never done it like this. I'm so proud of the strength of my body. I like my body more. I care about it more. 
I worry less. I'm more grounded.
I'm spending quality time with G. Getting to know each other and knowing that we might never get this chance again. I mean to be this much in peace while being challenged.
I read articles fully again. I read my book again in peace.
I get to be quiet for long hours.
I miss dancing so much. SO much.
I miss hugging my friends.
I miss my dog.
I miss my clothes.

But I am sure I am not missing fast-pace life of London.

I will not come out of this self isolation empty handed. I already have gained so much. I have so much love in me.

Sending it all to you,
Elina

Day 21: Self isolation

Getting some sun.
Having some hope.
Sharing some love.

Beautiful corner

With love,
Elina

How to let go;

I have been reading a lot about letting go.

And at last I found a way;

To let go, just let go.

There's no way to do it. Just let go.

eL.

Start over

Well, new year started. With loads of love, kisses and hugs.
Someone died. I cried. A lot.
I feel for my country. I miss my land.

But never have I ever experienced a deeper love that I feel for my family and friends. I feel a warm hand holding my hand, helping me to stand up on my feet.

And walk again. Run again. Be me again!

Little moments of love;

As you may know I’m having hard times these days and desperately I’m looking for something to cheers me up. There are tiny things on daily basis that can make you happy, things you never even notice sometimes. Like a ray of a sun after a week of heavy rain. Like waking up in the morning and finding out that Maya is sleeping on my neck, snoring. Like the smell of a coffee. Like the trees blossoms. Like Tannaz singing. Like a simple text from a friend. Like hearing your favorite song on a new playlist on spotify,… . See? This list is endless. I’ve learned that embracing these little moment can help you a lot.

 And I’m grateful for each and every one of them.

But today something really different happened. It was one of those moments when you are not looking for something big, and it happens right in front of you.

There’s a little girl living next door. She should be five or six. Sometimes when I’m about to go out to take Maya for a walk I see her with her mom coming back from nursery. If Maya is not with me, usually she looks at me like, where is the dog. One time she bashfully asked her mom to ask me, where is Maya? -Which I heard and told her that I was going out and Maya is at home playing with her toys.

Today I came back from my daily walk with Maya when she started growling (more like singing) in the hallway, behind or flat’s door. She was thirsty I could tell. Suddenly I say a small hand which were painted in pink came out of the letter box. Maya started to jump to give the hand a high-five. The girl was laughing so loud and Maya was so excited too J So I bent and said hi to the girl, and she asked me if I can bring Maya close so she could touch her. And that was just cute! She said I always come behind the door when I hear Maya.

This just made my day. And I’m so damn grateful for it! 

Where the little hand came out to touch Maya:)

 Love, 

eL.

Magic is all around us;

Today,

I allow magic in my life.

My heart is open.

And it will continue.

Love, 

eL.

Edge of Freshness

Today is Saturday.

And I stayed in. I just could not move from the bed. I could not listen to music. I was not in the mood to talk. Sometimes I have these episodes of loneliness. And it feels great.

It's not all sadness. It's a complex of sadness, stress, inspiration, anger and gratefulness. It's not weird, believe me. But it can be frightening for me.

I have to work on being happy more. I have to work on being independent when it comes to my feelings. No one is responsible for things I feel.

I am at the edge of starting again. I have to start real fresh.

Love you all.