Scared Heart is Smaller

 I kinda finished work and I'm reading for my course tomorrow. 

Today I woke up early, took shower. And started to work immediately. I had a lot to do and was able to finish all of it. 

I could not fight it but I have an annoying voice at the back of my head throwing negative words at me. So I decided to write. I decided to throw up my fears on this page, maybe I can lower its voice down. 

These days I am scared. I'm scared of the future. Even when my mum tells me, it's going to be okay, I don't buy it. I'm applying for my ILR. Next year the citizenship process is waiting for me in the queue. I will be almost 36 years old when I become British. And I will have a couple of thousands pounds in my bank account. To be positive, I have to say that something will happen. But The negative side always takes over, no? 

Will my dreams come true?

Till how much I'm ready to sacrifice to make my dreams real? 

I'm scared. Life is short and having it all is a lot of work. 

I need to fix this. I need to find a way AGAIN. 

Day I-Dont-Know: Self isolation

Hello;

I don't see any purpose of counting days in the lockdown anymore. It seems it's here to stay. I'm not going to lie, it is not easy. It's challenging my patience. Counting days at G's seemed beautiful. It was like when you look back and tell yourself, "I was on holidays for a week". That "week" counts! It's 7 days. 7 nights. You like those 7 days and nights. So counting 42 days meant everything. Every moment of it.
Now everything is on pause. I just need to be more patient.
And this fucking period needs to come now!

Maya

Be still,
Elina

Day 25: Self isolation

I learned that in quarantine I have everything I want. I'm a better version of myself.

I am working better. I'm working on my terms, my hours, my pace which tells me how much I hate rules and regulations.
Sitting under the sun is one of my joyful parts of the day, which tells me how grateful I am that quarantine and self isolation is happening in Spring & Summer. I could not do it in Winter.
I spend more time here thinking about what I'm eating. I'm cooking and eating mindfully, which I have never done before.
I get to listen to more music with more focus. I have time to search each DJ, I have time to listen to their work. Discuss them with G. I think next time I go to rave, definitely I understand more of the music.
I'm doing exercise an hour a day which I had never done it like this. I'm so proud of the strength of my body. I like my body more. I care about it more. 
I worry less. I'm more grounded.
I'm spending quality time with G. Getting to know each other and knowing that we might never get this chance again. I mean to be this much in peace while being challenged.
I read articles fully again. I read my book again in peace.
I get to be quiet for long hours.
I miss dancing so much. SO much.
I miss hugging my friends.
I miss my dog.
I miss my clothes.

But I am sure I am not missing fast-pace life of London.

I will not come out of this self isolation empty handed. I already have gained so much. I have so much love in me.

Sending it all to you,
Elina

Day 23: Self isolation

Today was a good day.

Later into the evening, I had a fight with my family on the phone. Gosh I hate these fights.
My sister is still going to work. And I am paralysed with worry.
I called them & said I am sorry that I shouted.
I think maybe these days at home can be a good time for me to dig deeper in these family issues.

Gosh everything is heavy on my chest.

Last night I slept in his arms under the moonlight.

White wine with sunset

Burgers with BBC news

P.S. I miss Maya so much.

Breathe,
Elina

Have a reminder for your 'Happiness Capacity'

There's a hidden joyful epiphany in finding your drafts when writing. The words you used, that you had forgot. The feelings that got faded away in time...

I got that today with finding a very old draft. 

I decided on a 30 day yoga today. I need to make a change. I need to bring light in my life again. 

Xmas dinner in the castle with loved ones

*I should always remember this smile, this night and how happy I can be.

RUNderful life;

I do respect runners deeply . I always have.
Actually I always wanted to be a runner myself. Back in my hometown I tried. Hijab got in the way, pollution wasn't helping either.
So I quit.
I am skinny. I never needed sport for sake of fitness. That's how the whole concept was explained to me when I was a kid. So I didn't go after it.
But I had this vision of a happier me in my mind and running was in it.

I started running a year back in Istanbul. I started on my own and I was about to pick up injury I can tell when NHS podcast was suggested to me.

Now I am running each day.

Running has become daily meditation for me. Everyday after the first 20 minutes of running I need to tell myself, "You can do this", repeatedly! Believe me I found my mantra and silence in running everyday. That's when I can turn the switch of my brain off and let it all go.

*The photo was taken today. I ran yesterday under the showering rain and still my shoes are wet.

Love,

Breathe,

eL.

Making plans and breaking them;

My friends they know me as a list maker.

Yeah! I make lists. All the time. I have a whole shelf for its equipment. Wonder what?
You know... Markers, stickers, rulers, and lots and lots of colors, papers, etc.

Making lists take time. You should have the right playlist ready. You need to relax before starting to make lists. Meditate. Yoga. Playing with your puppy. Whatever that brings you back to now. Whatever makes you realize the tone of your breath.
Then it will come to your tea. Your coffee. Hahah. It's important. Believe me.

After that, for me it happens like this:

I sit. I look at my tumblr for a bit. It always inspires me.

And I write. I write. I write. I bring out the core of the writing. I start making lists.

It's one of the most fun thing to do for me. It really is.

I put them on the wall. In my journals. In my blog even!

Making list is about organizing your mind. It's about fading away the cloud among your thoughts. And see the whole thing clearly.
I used to be frustrated when I understood that I am not following them. But then I realized making lists is not just about following them and bringing them to act. It's a way to understand who you are. And it's so beautiful.

So never be sad or disappointed for not following your lists. But keep them. They are your journal. They are a better version of you that you know about yourself. They are the things that you know you want to do. The things that you know you can do.

What about you? Do you make lists? What do you make lists for?

Love,
eL. 

An Adventure;

Photo by Derek Sparks

I come back to house. It’s around 5 o’clock. House is quiet but I am happy to see that cute wagging tail in front of me, jumping up and down.

Sunset is close. I can smell the salty water in the house. I pour a cup of coffee, just throw myself on the couch and play with Maya a bit. For nearly one hour I stay like that. Wandering around the house. Preparing Maya’s food.

Time has come. I change. Bathing suits. Surfing suits. My back-pack. I threw it in the truck and I go on my way to the shore. Everyone is there. They have made a fire. Beers. Music. Kisses. Dancing bare-feet.

As I open the door Maya jumps out and runs towards the crowd. I can hear my friends laughing, waving hands at me. I am trying to take out my board off the truck. It's stuck. A stranger comes to help me out. He is cute. I laugh. He laughs. He helps me with my board till near the fire. And that’s it. I lose him in the crowd.

My friends come close. “Give me a beer,” I say.

“Let’s have a snack, one round of waves then comes the beer.” , my friend shouts while she’s running to the dark water.

I am laughing. Fuck the beer. I run after her with my board. And …. the feeling of the water.

It feels like going back home. Water is a bit cold but I enjoy it. I paddle forward following my friend. I can see her ass on the board from distance. I am laughing. She waits. Three of my friends join us. And here we go. The wave is getting close. Hadi! They shout. They’ve learned from me. It means let’s go in Turkish. And we paddle. paddle hard. Here it comes. I jump on the board and .

Best feeling in the whole world. I am standing on a wave. How surreal that is. Huh? My whole energy becomes a big smile on my face and I look at the shore.

I see the cute guy laughing at me while bringing up his beer.

“Cheers!” , he shouts.

I can feel my heart pumping blood into my body. Simple as that. And I fall.

Life can’t get better.

http://blog.freepeople.com/2015/11/nanowrimo-30-day-writing-challenge/

love,

eL. 

P.S. My writing challenge for this month has started.

All about my morning rituals;

I used to run back in my home town. I used to put on the scarf and manteaux and I used to run for 30 or 20 minutes or something. It was not very easy, I had to rush home, wash my hair (it was long back then) and then again I was headed to university. The weather was so polluted and the process was so tiring that I quit.

I have a morning rituals now. It’s so special for me. I wake up around 6, I hug my dog which I wish I had more time for it. Then I make tea, I prepare a warm water with a lemon inside and with my dog we go out. We walk a bit. We play more. Then I start running while she gets busy playing with grass or a mosquito J 

Nice image, right? It is. It truly is.

We get back home. I take a shower and have my breakfast and I go to work.

I run with my whole strength. I know that each step will help me to move forward. Each breath will help me to stand on a surf board one day. I get tired though. It’s not like the footages that you see, a wonderful woman running in a sunrise… no! It’s not like that at all. I sweat. I can not breathe sometimes. But I remember my Manipura mantras;

I know who I am.
and
where I am going in life.
I am confident and powerful.
I am unstoppable.
I am fearless.

I am so grateful and feel blessed with my morning rituals. 

You can follow me on Nike+ , it's truly an amazing app. 

Love Love Love. 

eL. 

Divergent;

Something strange has happened to me.

Last night out of blue, I watched “Divergent”. I don’t know if you have seen it or not..

It’s about life in Chicago after war, the city is totally destroyed. People are divided to different factions. Everyone has to enter one category and live and work there by the category rule. The story is a about a girl who turns out to be a “Divergent”. She does not belong to any faction. The society is afraid of her. She has hard time finding the right thing to do. I mean it’s a simple Hollywood movie with its own high-points and low-points.

Today as I was thinking about some scenes of the movie, I realized that I have been thinking about the content of the movie very deeply since last night.

I got to think about the factions, my deepest fears and the reality of who I am. The result and the feeling was really interesting. I think the writer has picked the factions very wisely. And the fact that if you don’t belong to any specific faction then you are unique, and rebel and much more capable than others made my heartbeat raise.

If you have been reading my blog you should already know by now that I have this serious struggle with myself to find the thing that I am here for, to find myself useful. And as I have lots of passions I can not finish one therefore I am jumping all over the place, just a sip of each action, hobby. It makes my surroundings a bit unsteady. Seems like they don’t trust me with my decisions. I am not sure if I am describing it right but I felt really really close to Tris character in the movie while she was struggling to hide the fact that she’s divergent.

I just believe that I am one step closer to the truth.

Love.

eL.

What I hope to happen in 2015!

Hi,

It’s the second day of 2015.

I am really happy I wrote about my 2014; it seemed like an extra load on my shoulders that I put down. It seemed like having a general overview of what had happened this year. I was able to see the dark parts much better, were they really dark? Or have I  just assumed that it’s the hard parts!?

Anyway, I started my new year at home, beside B and my dear dear dear Maya! Watching TV, talking, relaxing and I did yoga after 2 weeks. For one complete hour. It was a bless.

I had started to write my 2015 resolutions from couple of days ago & today I finished it. Here I will share it, and by each time that one is done, I will cross them from my list.

Wish you all the bests, and love in the world!

Breathe* :)

☮ Start my website

☮ Start my shop in Etsy, little illustrations :)

☮ Try not to think and talk about worthless matters.

☮ Being more strong physically

☮ Buy a blender and start drinking more juice and smoothies.

☮ Wash Maya’s teeth three times a week (Saturday/Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday)

☮ Do yoga each night at least 30 minutes and mindfulness meditation 10 minutes.

☮ Focusing on core strength and balance in asanas.

☮ Run each day 20 minutes

☮ Join the Haliç Marathon

☮ Start swimming from June.

☮ Learn to surf

☮ Visit at least two places (in or out of Turkey)

☮ Be more calm and tranquil

☮ Be more self-confident

☮ Try to wake up with the sun-rise each day.

☮ Improve my English / Get IELTS

☮ Apply for university

☮ Get my tattoo :D (it’s been in my list for two fucking years now. Haha)

☮ Keep going with my 52 week challenge of Jar!

☮ Spend more time loving people that liking their photos on social media.

☮ Read more books. ☮ Buy glasses ☮ Buy a perfect yoga mat

☮ Make my house more homey and more smart in the usage terms.

☮ Visit Cappadocia.

☮ Buy more plants.

☮ Learn more about the moon.

☮ Do some charity work.

*I learned from a friend to write “Breathe” at the end of emails. When you see it, for one second close your eyes, take a deep breath and be grateful for your being.

Autumn Bucket list

Today is the first day of October. And autumn is officially here.

In Istanbul we are having cool breezes all over the place and also experiencing hot sun for 2 or 3 hrs.

I want to make my bucket list for three months of this fall : )

*Start to run for 3 days a week
*Meditate more
*Start yoga in YogaŞala
*Eat more greens
*Clear my working problems with my boss (Hours problems, salary problems)
*Be more grateful
*Long walks with Maya
*Go more to the nature; Rize, Black sea
*Take more photos
*Smile and appreciate each minute of life
*Prepare my closet for cold days

What about you?

Grab a pen and a paper, write down your list and clip it to your journal and share it online! Don’t forget to mention me. Reading your bucket lists are really inspiring! 

October calendar, I downloaded from free people website

Answer !

Hi everyone,

My friend told me not to write “ghertis” anymore and I don’t! lol.

Here’s a series of questions that I invite you to answer one by one: 

HAVE FUN.

1.What was your favorite paper you have ever written? Please write about the topic in couple of sentences.

I blog, I journal everyday. I try to inspirational and surprising for myself. Topic of my journals are mostly about self-improvement, arts, and motivation. Above all I usually write about my experiences in life.

2.Which books did you read of late (art, fiction, non-fiction)?

I started to read Osho. But I found it somehow a series of books that you have to keep them always. So I shifted to other books (now I am reading North and South, I love the romance in it), and besides in my free time I keep continuing reading Osho. 

3.Which artist really impresses you? And why?

Marc Chagall. I think I can literary walk in his paintings, I can be the bride, I can fly when the love of my life kiss me in the kitchen. 

4. What are your main interest besides arts?

Now, yoga.

5. Which blogs do you check regularly?

I check "Free People" and "Wanderlust". Bohemian life-style is one of my interests. 

6.Which cultural event has impressed you lately? This can be a museum, a concert, or anything like that, but also sports game….Again why?

Actually I went to Topkapi Palace last week. It's one of the most famous palaces from Ottoman Empire, but as far as I reminded me of all the sight seeing in Iran, for me it was beautiful but not shocking beautiful. Unfortunately I could not go to any concerts or art galleries for this full time job of mine. 

7.Please describe briefly an article in a newspaper or a magazine that got you thinking lately. Please share the link to it!

I keep reading the news about DAISH (ISIS). And I am sure I don't want to link anything related to it in my blog.

8.Please write a thought or an idea that really widened your intellectual horizon. 

Women, daily life, inspirations, music, and struggles of my generation in the world (mostly in Iran). 

I mean whatever comes to my mind I find a way to relate it to my country. 

What about you? Can you answer these questions? 

Write and send your blog links to me. 

Mandala loving furious kinda girl;

The theme for yesterday was “Get Fearless” *.

I had to write the list of things that I am afraid of. I did.

Yes, I am afraid of heights, but no I won’t be dying looking down.
Yes, I am afraid of losing my loved ones, and no, I don’t keep thinking about it till I start to cry. Nah!
Yes, I am afraid of lizards, and yes I scream to death when one of them get close to me. (Maya ate one of them last week. Euuuurgh!)

Then somehow it was so clear for me. All I was thinking was the things that I was angry about.

Why am I angry this much?! Hm? Today Celik (A friend from work) told me anger comes from fear, you have to figure out what is it that you are furious about this much? 

And it made me think. I am not sure yet. But I think I have to meditate upon it more.

Also I want to buy a notebook and start my Mandala therapy.

Love you all. 

* #getfearless

#getshitdone

Hey,

Yesterday I figured out that I had not written my 2014 resolution on my blog, and God I was pissed out. I know that I have written it somewhere else, I just have to find it.

I am far behind my flow with yoga girl challenge. Somehow I am doing it on & off but my mind is with is all the time.

Yesterday theme was Get Shit Done. You had to make a list with all the things you have to do, from clipping your nails, to what to do to be more successful in life for example.
I did it like this. September, Next six month and in my life.
I know what to do in my close future. I can easily make plans for next two month, but as soon as it gets close to a start of a bigger decision I give up.

Yeah. This is my low point.

I have not decided what to do about this university application. I had this huge discussion with B on Saturday night which made me think a lot. Niloo and Shokoofeh also talked to me. Hediyeh did too. I always admire her way of looking at life’s obstacles. She gave me the best resolution. But still have not found a proper time to analyze it.

I remember I named 2014, the year which I will figure out who I am and what I am doing. I came a very long way till I got here in these 8 months. I am sure in the next 4 months I can answer some more questions.

Today’s theme is get fearless. I have to prepare a list of all the things that I am afraid of. And then I have to meditate over them. Find the reason and let it go. Because we are all the strongest by nature.

Love you all.

eL.