Dear October; 29th of yours in Oxford

 I spent a day in Oxford for my Life in the UK test. Oxford is beautiful.

I passed my exam. I'm really happy. It was not a hard one, but I have a feeling of achieving something which does not happen often recently. 

The night before, Giulio got me a beautiful card. With more beautiful note inside. This man makes me feel everything so much. I'm so grateful that for feeling what I feel now. For friends who are supportive of me. And for my own guts, which brought me here. 

I need to spend a bit more time thanking everyone. 

Love you, 

And you dear October, 

Elina

Dear October; ur stay was short, wasn't it?

Dear October, 

Some days when I wake up, I'm numb. Are you like that too? It's like nothing is important. It's like I have explored every phase and every emotion deeply. It's like I know exactly what to expect in every corner of my senses that going there again will not bring me any surprises. Maybe that's why I become numb. 

On days like this, the first thing I do is to pretend I am "not" numb. I see people I smile. I know which words to use. I know how to make coffee. I remember coffee smells great. Still numb. And as I pretend, each cell because it has its own memory, they all start sending messages to my brain. To wake up. This is you. This is us. Coffee smells good. This morning "can be" beautiful. You "need to" be grateful. 

Now why should I be grateful? 

Again the cells are killing themselves to sending me these messages. My parents face. Elika's smile. Giulio's hands holding my hand, Tarek's face talking to me. Anamika's tea smell, messages from Bamika, from Shokoofeh and Niloo. A new pair of shoes. Sitting at work smiling. A breeze in my hair in summer. Maya's smell. Running after her. My friends squeezing me on my birthday. 

Oh man.. this list can be novels after novels. 

I remembered everything. I can feel again. I am not numb anymore. 

Memories are important. It tells us who we are. It tells us why we are. And we need to respect that. We need to set a time aside. Document it. Think about it. Write about it. Analyse it. Because one day you wake up. You are numb. Like me. Like today. You need to have something to go to. You need to somehow remember who you are. Why you are. Believe me, you dont want to live like a numb person. 

You just don't. 

Life is short. Really short. In a blink of an eye, you will not be here anymore. Just live it then, fully! 

Much love, 
E.

Dear October; you and your beauty

 Dear October, 

You and your beauty. 

You and your beauty, both are making my days. I think I have not seen you like this. This "Eshveh-gar". 

I woke up today with so many colors out of my window. Do I need to thank the pandemic that has opened my eyes to your beauty? Do I need to thank this chaos that slowed my pace down to see you? 

I had a good weekend. I rested. Giulio came over. We biked together to Peckham. We had breakfast in a very cute cafe and then walked, explored the area. We found a rooftop cocktail bar. And spent a good couple of hours there. 

I was feeling a bit anxious the whole time, thinking that he wants to leave at night. And he did. I was worried I hadn't seen him enough. Had not kissed him enough. Time. Greed. And me in love. Let's say they don't know how to be a team player. 

With Niloo we were talking about "Nesting", and how pandemic or maybe this time of our life by chance we are nesting. I am loving spending time with myself and then with G. I don't want to spend time with others like before. I just want to read, think and maybe write. 

Gosh I miss the mountains so much. 

Day 15: Self isolation

Today's homework:

The world changed these past few weeks and the big questions in our lives amplified:
Who do I most value?
What am I afraid of?
What keeps me hopeful?
What do I secretly love about isolation?

And today's brunch:

Toasted bread+egg+potato waffle 

And dinner:

Meatballs ;)

Happy Sunday,
Elina

My Mother;

I am amused with writing.

It really affects me in different ways. Before I get used to do meditation often, I used to write me. As much as I used to draw.
But it's weird that I never ever thought about writing about my parents. And today I need to write about my mom.

She's great. Like most of the mothers. She's someone that I really want to be alike someday soon.
Everything that happens around me, every big decision that I need to make her face comes in front of me. I can imagine her mimics. What she would say. And I do the same.

Yes. She's great. She's funny. She's cool. And she's a real good mom.

I love her. I do.

I need to write about her properly. More. 

Music.

Music existed for me long before I even realize it.

I fell in love with a boy when I was listening to a music even before I met him.

First time I got my heart broken it was with a song.

My love at first sight started with a song again.

Music is everything.

Making plans and breaking them;

My friends they know me as a list maker.

Yeah! I make lists. All the time. I have a whole shelf for its equipment. Wonder what?
You know... Markers, stickers, rulers, and lots and lots of colors, papers, etc.

Making lists take time. You should have the right playlist ready. You need to relax before starting to make lists. Meditate. Yoga. Playing with your puppy. Whatever that brings you back to now. Whatever makes you realize the tone of your breath.
Then it will come to your tea. Your coffee. Hahah. It's important. Believe me.

After that, for me it happens like this:

I sit. I look at my tumblr for a bit. It always inspires me.

And I write. I write. I write. I bring out the core of the writing. I start making lists.

It's one of the most fun thing to do for me. It really is.

I put them on the wall. In my journals. In my blog even!

Making list is about organizing your mind. It's about fading away the cloud among your thoughts. And see the whole thing clearly.
I used to be frustrated when I understood that I am not following them. But then I realized making lists is not just about following them and bringing them to act. It's a way to understand who you are. And it's so beautiful.

So never be sad or disappointed for not following your lists. But keep them. They are your journal. They are a better version of you that you know about yourself. They are the things that you know you want to do. The things that you know you can do.

What about you? Do you make lists? What do you make lists for?

Love,
eL. 

An Adventure;

Photo by Derek Sparks

I come back to house. It’s around 5 o’clock. House is quiet but I am happy to see that cute wagging tail in front of me, jumping up and down.

Sunset is close. I can smell the salty water in the house. I pour a cup of coffee, just throw myself on the couch and play with Maya a bit. For nearly one hour I stay like that. Wandering around the house. Preparing Maya’s food.

Time has come. I change. Bathing suits. Surfing suits. My back-pack. I threw it in the truck and I go on my way to the shore. Everyone is there. They have made a fire. Beers. Music. Kisses. Dancing bare-feet.

As I open the door Maya jumps out and runs towards the crowd. I can hear my friends laughing, waving hands at me. I am trying to take out my board off the truck. It's stuck. A stranger comes to help me out. He is cute. I laugh. He laughs. He helps me with my board till near the fire. And that’s it. I lose him in the crowd.

My friends come close. “Give me a beer,” I say.

“Let’s have a snack, one round of waves then comes the beer.” , my friend shouts while she’s running to the dark water.

I am laughing. Fuck the beer. I run after her with my board. And …. the feeling of the water.

It feels like going back home. Water is a bit cold but I enjoy it. I paddle forward following my friend. I can see her ass on the board from distance. I am laughing. She waits. Three of my friends join us. And here we go. The wave is getting close. Hadi! They shout. They’ve learned from me. It means let’s go in Turkish. And we paddle. paddle hard. Here it comes. I jump on the board and .

Best feeling in the whole world. I am standing on a wave. How surreal that is. Huh? My whole energy becomes a big smile on my face and I look at the shore.

I see the cute guy laughing at me while bringing up his beer.

“Cheers!” , he shouts.

I can feel my heart pumping blood into my body. Simple as that. And I fall.

Life can’t get better.

http://blog.freepeople.com/2015/11/nanowrimo-30-day-writing-challenge/

love,

eL. 

P.S. My writing challenge for this month has started.