Running through harsh times

Today is a hard day. It's a long day.

I ran 20 minutes (first 20 min! yeyyy!!!) but still my mind is pulling me back.

I'm running through my break-up. And it's not easy. Not at all.

x

When love fades away;

I had made a list of all the things I wanted us to do together. At the end of the list, it was written something like when we did all of these, we will fall in love all over again.
I put it on the fridge door. He saw it. Laughed. He said, " When we do all of it, I will break up with you".

Now we did break-up. The list is absolutely not done. It's on another fridge. In another country.

He did not look at the list when he flipped my photo over because he did not want to see my face. The photo was exactly above the list. On the fridge.

The list is the one behind this big black sticker.

Love,

eL.

Find me a soothing mantra;

Today is a hard day.

Something as heavy as a rock is pressuring my heart. And I can not breathe.

No love today.

eL.

Little moments of love;

As you may know I’m having hard times these days and desperately I’m looking for something to cheers me up. There are tiny things on daily basis that can make you happy, things you never even notice sometimes. Like a ray of a sun after a week of heavy rain. Like waking up in the morning and finding out that Maya is sleeping on my neck, snoring. Like the smell of a coffee. Like the trees blossoms. Like Tannaz singing. Like a simple text from a friend. Like hearing your favorite song on a new playlist on spotify,… . See? This list is endless. I’ve learned that embracing these little moment can help you a lot.

 And I’m grateful for each and every one of them.

But today something really different happened. It was one of those moments when you are not looking for something big, and it happens right in front of you.

There’s a little girl living next door. She should be five or six. Sometimes when I’m about to go out to take Maya for a walk I see her with her mom coming back from nursery. If Maya is not with me, usually she looks at me like, where is the dog. One time she bashfully asked her mom to ask me, where is Maya? -Which I heard and told her that I was going out and Maya is at home playing with her toys.

Today I came back from my daily walk with Maya when she started growling (more like singing) in the hallway, behind or flat’s door. She was thirsty I could tell. Suddenly I say a small hand which were painted in pink came out of the letter box. Maya started to jump to give the hand a high-five. The girl was laughing so loud and Maya was so excited too J So I bent and said hi to the girl, and she asked me if I can bring Maya close so she could touch her. And that was just cute! She said I always come behind the door when I hear Maya.

This just made my day. And I’m so damn grateful for it! 

Where the little hand came out to touch Maya:)

 Love, 

eL.

Safe & Sound;

I have chosen me. Over others.

It feels right.

Happy Monday!

Everyday I walk passed by these trees. Spring is here.

The Great Divorce;

I'm trying to find our old-selves in others but can not find.

We are so far from each other.

And what I need right now is : more hugs and more house plants.

Green Tent

It's damn windy today.

We had a tent back in our garden. A green tent. The wind took it to our neighbor's garden. Only one leg is stuck in our garden. When I saw it throw our bathroom window, I ran out. Tried to bring it back for almost 20 minutes. The tent was much more stubborn that I thought. I left me with slight bruises. Not an inch of movement. I came back to house. Maya was waiting for me in the garden.

The green tent.

Maya, waiting for me. Freaking out on wind.

I sat down. Found myself helpless and angry cause he is not here to help. I called him. Told him what has happened. He was like always. Tried to push me to make it right by myself. And I felt lonely. I felt lonely and strong.

Is this what love does to us?

My life is an amalgamation of feeling, logic, love and incapability of making things right which ends in hopelessness for a short time. Then I feel this surge of strength which I do enjoy. Like a rush of hope into my veins and while I'm this high, I fly thousands of miles far from him till the next incident happens.

All those people out these, looking desperately for love, do they know this about themselves? Are they alright watching the tent destroyed and stuck somewhere else? 

Not me. I'm a healer. I'm here to help. To make everyone feel good. Not to destroy little pieces.

Love,

eL.