Jump. Feel the air.

Hey.

As soon as I saw that Safa has wrote I was like when did I quit writing?

For me fall came without any prelude, like a single note of piano and I got lost in its echo. The sound is still in my head and I am swirling in it. So beautiful.

Days are passing behind my white desk and monitor and thousands of wishes and hope. Days are passing with quick kisses on lips and 20 minutes of walking in park with Maya and a messed up house. 

My friend died. Two months ago and I didn’t know. I am checking my f***ing facebook and I didn’t see it. They showed it on TV and I didn’t see it. My friends changed their photos into a black space but I didn’t see. Yesterday I spent mourning inside for her. One of these days, these simple-behind-the-desk kind of days she smashed her head while jumping from a 20 meter waterfall. I keep imagining the moment that she jumped. For sure she was so excited. For sure it took her just a second. If I close my eyes I can clearly understand what it feels when you jump. You can hear your friends shouting from excitement. Then you jump into the air. It’s all about the flying. Sound of nature. Then you touch the water and that’s it.
For her it was a bit different. For her she could not come out. She was brought out of the water. She had her loved ones crying, … . But still it is so beautiful. So unique. And I believe in death for being unique. Don’t you?

Lately I think about death a lot. It has become real to me. It has become simple for me. And I think it's comforting. Right?

I just want to ask you to close your eyes for 3 minutes. Be quiet and still. Breathe. Be grateful for this lives of ours. 

Dear Sheida, rest in peace dear. I will never forget you. 

Love.

eL.

My name is ELINA;

Thanks to Polona Typo.

Sunset, oh dear sunset;

Istanbul sky

Love,

eL.

I refuse to give up my wildness;

I have always been wildly indecisive, dipping my hungry limbs into all sorts of hobbies and professions and projects and interests. Not because I'm irresponsible, really, but because my spirit longs to sample each and every patch of life like sips of wine. I've been an artist, and a musician, and a journalist, and a photographer, and an employee, some at the same time, some for a while, some for only a breath. When something isn't the proper fit for me, I honor it, and then gently (and swiftly) let it go. I am forever learning what I love, and, maybe even more importantly, what I don't love. Some folks may see this as quitting, as something that should be shamed, but I think it's so fucking beautiful. It's okay that I'm neither one thing, or the other. I refuse to be bound by boundaries. I refuse to give up my wildness. I promise to always change my mind. I contain multitudes. I am a universe wrapped in skin. And so are you.

Thanks Kristen Hedges for the inspiration. 

To my heart I must be true;

To my heart I must be true.

I may get this as my first tattoo. What do you think?

B is still in Tehran. I thought I will be really angry with him when he leaves. Because I thought there will be too many thing for me to do, I thought I will not be able to do yoga, I will not find the strength to run everyday. I assumed I will be so stressful everyday.

But it happened the exact opposite!

I did everything that I wanted, maybe more. I have energy to watch my favorite movies at nights. I want to play with Maya all the time. At work, eurgh! At work I am acting like a super woman. And to tell you the truth office has been really busy lately. I cooked most of the nights.

Should it be like this? Shouldn’t it be the opposite?

And I am proud of myself. lol.

I can do it. I can live alone. I can work and handle another human being beside it.

I believe change is near. And whatever it is, I am ready and grateful.

To my heart I must be true and I should not misjudge my instincts.

Love.

eL.

Inspired by life;

Today is Wednesday;
It’s 10^th of June.
It’s been 3 days since B has gone.
It’s been 2 days since I am doing push-ups. My abs hurt like shit.
It’s been 1 months since I do yoga & meditate each night.
It’s 11:00.

I’m so inspired. Not specially for running, or do more yoga, or for art or for cooking… I am just so inspired to live this awesome life. 

I am carrying this pain with me every day around and I respect it. It shows me that I am working, I am one more step nearer to “it”. I don’t know what “it” is but I know “it” worth it.

I don’t feel lonely. I feel strong and oriented. I feel that I have extra hours although I am working more than before. I miss talking. There’s no one around to talk to. I miss talking in Farsi. It seems like vipassana in language. I spend as much time as possible with Maya. She has all the love in the world.

I have got used to the clouds. I dream of sun. It’s not like I am happy on sunny days or whatever… I just need sun for a long time. I want to know that sun will stay forever. Not for a season, or a week or a day. I have to know that it will stay. I want to be sure that each awesome sunset that I witness will bring a beautiful day again with the same sun, with the same warmth over my head.

I am taking everything so slow. It feels right.

I cook more.

I am alive. 

Love you.

eL. 

My dear June;

June is here.

I’ve decided to write about June.

It might be the last June that I will ever live in Istanbul, so it has to be special.

And it’s the first month of Summer.

There is a long list of items that we have to do. I guess from time to time we get bored of our list and we decide to change the app only. So far we are using Wunderlist, and it’s good.

I think a person does yoga every damn day, spend time with his/her loved ones (including dogs of course), is able to find a time to read a book, watch a movie, walk and think and be independent financially is a happy person. Nah?
This theory defines me as a happy person and I tend to stick with it in my dear June.

Here's the list of things that I want to do in dear June:

1. Do yoga more. I have signed up for Yelina's workshops of course.
2. Focus on my meditation.
3. Keep running. It would be awesome if I can make it 10 minutes everyday.
4. Write more.
5. Visualize more. (check out number 6)
6. Focus more on what I really want.

I am sure this month will be awesome.

Love ya'll!