Hello dear October,
I feel you are very flexible. You like to compromise. I guess, like me, you can be a people-pleaser.
The moment I feel low, you show an exhausted ray of sun. I smile.
Third week of October is passing with this tunes. And it's just gorgeous.
Yesterday, after ages I decided to write again to calm my fervent mind. I opened my little blue notebook. But the pen didn't feel right. My fingers were like a brick. I didn't know if I want to write in Farsi or English. My brain was faster than the weak struggle of my fingers and pen on the paper. So I stopped.
I found myself writing an email to Giulio. Three paragraphs to it, I noticed for him, my words will not make sense. "Why Ellie has written me this email?", he would wonder. And later he would call me looking for an answer. And I didn't want to explain myself. So I copied and pasted it here.
There's no lie here. Here is my room. It's my safe place. People who reads this are my people. And my brain's pace is similar to my typing speed. So How do you curve a line, from now on will be my daily notebook.
I watched "The Haunting of Bly Manor" last week. And it has haunted me to be honest. I'm living in a slow pace of a spirit. A lost soul looking for an answer. My life is very the same everyday except it isn't. I feel fresh, I feel happy but everything has stopped. There's a deep layer of fear in my heart. A kind of fear you don't have the courage to face. It's like an acid trip. Exactly like the movie, it's like I'm tucked in to a memory. And when I get to this point, I want to be alone. I want to be by myself. People annoy me.
I don't like this loop. I want to go back to my life pre-Covid.
I'm so scared I can not come out of this fear.
Everyday, I wake up. I walk. I work. I go to bed. I forget.
I wake up.
I walk.
I work.
I go to bed.
I forget.
Elina
