Dear October; 29th of yours in Oxford

 I spent a day in Oxford for my Life in the UK test. Oxford is beautiful.

I passed my exam. I'm really happy. It was not a hard one, but I have a feeling of achieving something which does not happen often recently. 

The night before, Giulio got me a beautiful card. With more beautiful note inside. This man makes me feel everything so much. I'm so grateful that for feeling what I feel now. For friends who are supportive of me. And for my own guts, which brought me here. 

I need to spend a bit more time thanking everyone. 

Love you, 

And you dear October, 

Elina

Dear October; ur stay was short, wasn't it?

Dear October, 

Some days when I wake up, I'm numb. Are you like that too? It's like nothing is important. It's like I have explored every phase and every emotion deeply. It's like I know exactly what to expect in every corner of my senses that going there again will not bring me any surprises. Maybe that's why I become numb. 

On days like this, the first thing I do is to pretend I am "not" numb. I see people I smile. I know which words to use. I know how to make coffee. I remember coffee smells great. Still numb. And as I pretend, each cell because it has its own memory, they all start sending messages to my brain. To wake up. This is you. This is us. Coffee smells good. This morning "can be" beautiful. You "need to" be grateful. 

Now why should I be grateful? 

Again the cells are killing themselves to sending me these messages. My parents face. Elika's smile. Giulio's hands holding my hand, Tarek's face talking to me. Anamika's tea smell, messages from Bamika, from Shokoofeh and Niloo. A new pair of shoes. Sitting at work smiling. A breeze in my hair in summer. Maya's smell. Running after her. My friends squeezing me on my birthday. 

Oh man.. this list can be novels after novels. 

I remembered everything. I can feel again. I am not numb anymore. 

Memories are important. It tells us who we are. It tells us why we are. And we need to respect that. We need to set a time aside. Document it. Think about it. Write about it. Analyse it. Because one day you wake up. You are numb. Like me. Like today. You need to have something to go to. You need to somehow remember who you are. Why you are. Believe me, you dont want to live like a numb person. 

You just don't. 

Life is short. Really short. In a blink of an eye, you will not be here anymore. Just live it then, fully! 

Much love, 
E.

Dear October; you and your beauty

 Dear October, 

You and your beauty. 

You and your beauty, both are making my days. I think I have not seen you like this. This "Eshveh-gar". 

I woke up today with so many colors out of my window. Do I need to thank the pandemic that has opened my eyes to your beauty? Do I need to thank this chaos that slowed my pace down to see you? 

I had a good weekend. I rested. Giulio came over. We biked together to Peckham. We had breakfast in a very cute cafe and then walked, explored the area. We found a rooftop cocktail bar. And spent a good couple of hours there. 

I was feeling a bit anxious the whole time, thinking that he wants to leave at night. And he did. I was worried I hadn't seen him enough. Had not kissed him enough. Time. Greed. And me in love. Let's say they don't know how to be a team player. 

With Niloo we were talking about "Nesting", and how pandemic or maybe this time of our life by chance we are nesting. I am loving spending time with myself and then with G. I don't want to spend time with others like before. I just want to read, think and maybe write. 

Gosh I miss the mountains so much. 

October; oh my gentle October

 Dear October, 

Today you are raining. Enough of being a people pleaser, yeah?! It's okay. Cry. Shed those tears on me. I will be the shoulder for you. 

I was talking to Bamika the other day & we were discussing the fact that how often we forgot what a long way we came to get where we are. I was telling them what Anamika told me and we decided to remind each other that we need to compare us with ourselves. Not with others. 

I did come a long way. Every little piece of my soul, I dug deep, found the very beginning of me. Then I helped it rise. I fought, oh I fought with my blood and bones. I am proud of myself. I have a long way to go. I should not step back. I should raise my head high and take a big step. A strong step. And I will do it. 

I wrote this to remember. I wrote this because I am me. 

Love, 
E.

October; The Haunting of me

Hello dear October, 

I feel you are very flexible. You like to compromise. I guess, like me, you can be a people-pleaser. 

The moment I feel low, you show an exhausted ray of sun. I smile. 

Third week of October is passing with this tunes. And it's just gorgeous. 

Yesterday, after ages I decided to write again to calm my fervent mind. I opened my little blue notebook. But the pen didn't feel right. My fingers were like a brick. I didn't know if I want to write in Farsi or English. My brain was faster than the weak struggle of my fingers and pen on the paper. So I stopped. 

I found myself writing an email to Giulio. Three paragraphs to it, I noticed for him, my words will not make sense. "Why Ellie has written me this email?", he would wonder. And later he would call me looking for an answer. And I didn't want to explain myself. So I copied and pasted it here. 

There's no lie here. Here is my room. It's my safe place. People who reads this are my people. And my brain's pace is similar to my typing speed. So How do you curve a line, from now on will be my daily notebook. 

I watched "The Haunting of Bly Manor" last week. And it has haunted me to be honest. I'm living in a slow pace of a spirit. A lost soul looking for an answer. My life is very the same everyday except it isn't. I feel fresh, I feel happy but everything has stopped. There's a deep layer of fear in my heart. A kind of fear you don't have the courage to face. It's like an acid trip. Exactly like the movie, it's like I'm tucked in to a memory. And when I get to this point, I want to be alone. I want to be by myself. People annoy me. 

I don't like this loop. I want to go back to my life pre-Covid. 

I'm so scared I can not come out of this fear. 

Everyday, I wake up. I walk. I work. I go to bed. I forget. 

I wake up. 

I walk. 

I work. 

I go to bed. 

I forget. 

Elina

Scared Heart is Smaller

 I kinda finished work and I'm reading for my course tomorrow. 

Today I woke up early, took shower. And started to work immediately. I had a lot to do and was able to finish all of it. 

I could not fight it but I have an annoying voice at the back of my head throwing negative words at me. So I decided to write. I decided to throw up my fears on this page, maybe I can lower its voice down. 

These days I am scared. I'm scared of the future. Even when my mum tells me, it's going to be okay, I don't buy it. I'm applying for my ILR. Next year the citizenship process is waiting for me in the queue. I will be almost 36 years old when I become British. And I will have a couple of thousands pounds in my bank account. To be positive, I have to say that something will happen. But The negative side always takes over, no? 

Will my dreams come true?

Till how much I'm ready to sacrifice to make my dreams real? 

I'm scared. Life is short and having it all is a lot of work. 

I need to fix this. I need to find a way AGAIN. 

Light in the dark;

 When work is shit, this guy makes me find the light in the dark.